What Happy Couples Do Blog

Hey, Sugar

2012-01-19T20:42:00.002-06:00

If I've said it to an undergraduate student once I've said it, oh, probably 18x100 times lately: the future of studying marriage/couples/relationships is in figuring out the intimate connections between our physiology (heart rate, cortisol, adrenaline, blood sugar ... all that) and how we respond/talk/yell/scream/get defensive/smile/use kind words. You know, how we "communicate." (That word always makes it sound so simple - like it's just one thing. So not true, right?)

There's some super interesting research, for instance, going on about the stress hormones in kids' bodies when they hear their parents fighting. And we've written in this blog, so many times, about the superstar Gottman research program, some of which investigates just these kinds of connections between flooding and stonewalling ... emotion and word choice ... stress hormones and saying things like "You're a big loser!" (not recommended)

Then today I read an interesting report on a recent study. (I haven't yet read the original report; am looking for it!) Here's the quick summary of the researchers apparently found:

- 50 couples
- each removed all processed sugar in their diets
- number of conflicts between the couple decreased by 86%

WHAT?!

Of course. Sugar: it makes us feel good. But what goes up (blood sugar and mood) must come down (blood sugar ... and our willingness to think of the nice, soft way to express irritation when she leaves crumbs to harden in the sink or he takes an unsavory tone with the dog).

When couples took the step of taking something so common (cookies, soda, crackers, white bread) out of the equation, something quite stunning happened: they were calmer. And they got along better. Who would have thunk (my kids like that word), though, that the results would be so dramatic. Not me, I'll admit.

I'm no MD nor nutritionist, so I'll await further reading to share or say more.

What I can say is this: a couple friend of mine once shared a great rule they have in their marriage. Before arguing, both people must eat something. It makes more sense now.

Want to be a happy couple? It appears you need to move over, sugar.

Oh yea, it's Hot Mama!

2012-01-12T14:52:00.000-06:00

In my email inbox last night, oh yea, was a message from the founder of the 22-stores across 11 states Hot Mama.

What did she say? Oh, just that they have ordered What Happy Couples Do for ALL of the their 22 stores to be sold and beautifully displayed at their cash wraps.

Why? Because they saw the lovely connection between their mission ("Empowering Moms") and how our happy little couple book, as Megan the founder wrote, "... reminds us of the importance of nurturing relationships with our spouses, even after we become moms."

Oh yea! Right on, sister.

I love Hot Mama. And in the interest of full disclosure, I felt that before they found our books.

SHOUT! Squeal. YAY! Hot.

P.S. the books will arrive and be displayed, it sounds, in about a week. Oooo ... we sure love Valentine's Day here in happy couple land.

Happy Holidays, Happy? Couples

2011-12-25T00:10:00.000-06:00

The holidays can be stressful. I know. Travel, expectations, sugar, gifts. In-laws, out-laws, cocktails, more sugar. More expectations, a sideways look or three, a late night party or four. An argument or two ... usually in whispers or just with nonverbal huffs and puffs (as if no one is noticing).

Do what happy couples do: don't blame. Just laugh. Meaning, at yourself. It should work. Laughing is contagious, especially when first directed at self.

Diffuse the tense sugar-low/in-law high/don't-like-sleeping-in-this-bed/wish-your-relatives-were-more-perfect-like-me moments by being self-depricating and humble.

Like today when it took 36 minutes to find the single dog leash we brought on our journey to multiple houses. Did I laugh? Not right away. I was too busy sponging up dog pee on grandma's carpet. Then once missing leash was found, where did it end up? Yep - on the roof of the car. Then where? Flying into a ditch on the highway, of course, in the darkness of a Wisconsin winter night. Was it all my husband's fault? Of course it was. Of course I yelled grouchily at him (without contempt or criticism, thank you Dr. Gottman. Just with good old irritation).

Okay, so do what I say, not what I do. My kids know the drill ("Stop yelling at me from upstairs!!" ... Oh, yes, I just yelled that, didn't I?)

We eventually laughed as we bumped over the river and through the hills to grandmother's house where we ate, drank and laughed some more. And the dog only pooped inside once (but don't tell grandma; she didn't notice - yet).

Whatever you do and where ever you celebrate this season, may laughter fill most of your moments.

Twenty Years Today

2011-12-13T23:14:00.000-06:00

Today was our 20th wedding anniversary. I know, right? Pretty exciting to make it this far. And, even better, to know for sure you'll likely make it another 20 and then some.

Students and others often ask: "What's the secret?"

No secret. Although I'm pretty sure about one thing after 20 years of my own marriage and reading most - but surely not all - of the research on happy marriage/relationships and taking in most of what the experts have to say on the topic:

Nothing as a couple will work if you can't figure out how to be, sustain, maintain, become, stay, and then fight for your lives to continue to be two healthy individuals.

And by health we're talking about the whole deal: psychologically, socially, physically, mentally, spiritually, economically .. and the list could go on.

And you do know such efforts will come back around to serve you well, right? In a magically selfless way. Trust me.

Today - yay! - we honored our own work (hard work, almost all of the time) toward staying healthy individually which has, no question, given us the chance to stay healthy together for -- but who's counting? -- 7,300 days.

And like most things in long-term relationships, the plan today didn't quite work out as expected.

I had hired a quartet to deliver a singing love card. We had a similar group sing from the balcony at our wedding. (It's a ritual!) They canceled last night at 9:30 p.m.

Dang.

But plan B arose with the sun this morning.

At 2:15 p.m. I left work. And quickly ran - literally - home. Panting, I turned the iron to "silk/cotton." Heat up. Faster, please! It was a flurry about the house, but a calm and giddy one. I anticipated what was next.

One mile in the car and I arrived at my husband's university. It's now 3:05 p.m.

He looked a bit surprised. Because I had my wedding dress on. Oh my!

Yes, it was a tight squeeze. Please zipper, don't pop.

We skipped (not really) to the chapel. And stood on the alter. And as we lit our original wedding candle, the president of St. Catherine University -- Sr. Andrea Lee -- was gracious enough to join us. She was all smiles. You'd never have known she was very late for a board of trustee finance committee meeting. She read one of our wedding readings from the original paper on which it was typed (I store them in my sock drawer). The famous David Haas happen to be in the building. He joyfully sang a little verse. And read another piece. Yep. I know, right? If you don't know David Haas, quickly look him up. A few friends from St. Kate's fluttered in to take a photo or two. Thank goodness for iphones. Our dear pal Stacy helped coordinate the whole thing with, well, all of about 2 hours notice.

It was magic. And ultimate health.

We kissed and committed to staying real - and real healthy - for another 20 or more years.

Then we had pizza and wine down the street. It was now 4 p.m so we had the restaurant to ourselves. We read our readings again. And chatted with our kids on our iphones. And my dear friend for life sealed the day with the most perfect little gift: a framed version of the card we received 20+ years ago as we prepared for our marriage. On it is written the advice we use each day to, yes - you know what I'm going to say - stay healthy and kind to one another. It doesn't always work. Today it did. Amen for that.

Read this right now ...

2011-12-08T16:42:00.000-06:00

... the piece published today called "The Generous Marriage" by Tara Parker-Pope in the NYTimes Well Blog. Tara (no, I don't know her but like to pretend I do by using her first name) is one of my favorite NYTimes thinkers and writers on relationships! Go Tara. Call me later, eh?

Seriously, though, she's smart. Right on. And this piece summarizes so much of what we keep saying in What Happy Couples Do. Yep, here it is again, something we qualitative researchers would call an emergent theme: Relationships thrive on us in them being kind (rocket science, I know, right?). Making thoughtful - even when we don't want to - choices. Being intentional. Creating positivity. Not giving up. Because it's worth it, and then some.

Just in case the link above doesn't work for you, it's worth your time to copy/paste/Control C/Control V: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/08/is-generosity-better-than-sex/

Speaking of Kindness. If you live in the Twin Cities and need some inspiration for being kinder, stop by the Kindness Cafe. "Breakfast and lunch cooked to order. Tasty, feel good food prepared with you in mind." 350 Saint Peter Street Saint Paul, MN 55102 (651) 224-6440

I have no idea who owns it, why they created it, what their food is like nor even who goes there. I've never been, shame on me. But recently a pal said "This place is totally for you!" So true. I study kindness (oh, and try to practice it once in a while too). How could anyone be grumpy or impatient while at the Kindness Cafe?

Maybe a required lunch spot for all couples? Once a month. Or twice a day if needed.

Lucky us who live in St. Paul, MN! Kindness Cafe people: watch out. I'm coming on down for a bite with my spouse and kids. Or maybe we'll just move in.

A Crafty Couple

2011-12-04T22:05:00.004-06:00

Do couples who craft together, stay together?

No research has yet given us a definitive answer to this important question. But I, as you might predict, would theorize that the crafting could count as a ritual of connection, eh? Thus, a crafting couple would be boosting their odds of staying happy, right?

I think so. And indeed hope so.

Because today I engaged my husband/pal Brian in a holiday crafting task which, happily, reminded me of part of our hands-on-the-crafts history.

A little more than (can it be true?) 20 years ago he and I, hands together, constructed our first couple-craft: a wedding invitation. Long before DIY was cool, we were DIYers because we, well, were B. R. O. K. E. graduate students. The crafting must have been contagious, or just necessary. Probably both. My mother made all of the wintery table decorations, a simple white mostly-paper angel with curly blonde hair. That sweet symbol of our December wedding has since, annually, crawled her way to the top of our holiday tree. Today, to my delight, one of the gal pals (and my sister-in-law) in our wedding sent me a photo text of the tree topper she had just affixed up high on their family's evergreen giant: "Remember? She always tops our tree too." Twenty years, despite her yellowing wings, she carries on ... in our home and others.

Oh, right, back to the point of this blog, one which is not actually about crafting, nor rituals, nor holidays. Rather, it's about nuance.

If I was going to be crazily crafting holiday gifts for our family and friends, my not-so-crafty husband was going to participate. I don't care if the Packers are on. The holidays are near! Dear. You are going to help and enjoy it. "Oh, and, honey, no beer on the craft table, please."

He swiftly moved his bottle from the task at hand. I promptly smiled. Not because our tedious project was no longer in jeopardy of being bathed in ale. Rather, we had just mastered -- okay, it might have taken 16 or more years, and hey, it might have been just today -- what relationship guru John Gottman discovered over decades of discerning what predicts divorce and success: happy couples are those in which a husband is open to influence from his wife.

Sorry guys. The research does not suggest women need be open to influence from men. Maybe it's because, for hundreds of years, that's been happening already. But that's a topic for another day and a future post.

The moral of this story: today, in this tiny life, I witnessed a nuance which suggested we might just make it another 20 years or more. Whew. Husband + craft project + one beer + a small suggestion + a positive response = one pretty happy crafter. And the lesson for all of us: it's the little things, most of them in our control, that add up to the larger feelings and behaviors of happiness over the long haul.

How might you choose to change the way you respond, ever so slightly, to make your partnership a little happier?

CRAFTING DISCLOSURE: all of my crafting is totally copied from others' great ideas. For e.g., the mini trees in mason jars, below: spied as table decor at a local Anthropologie. No, my husband had nothing to do with their creation nor installation. But he did say "hey, nice." I like those compliments. More than that, I like making little art projects on tables.

The yet-to-be-disclosed craft with the paperclips (opening photo): seen at a local store where they sell only goods "Made in MN." I said to myself "I can make those. And, what do you know, I live in MN too."

NOTE: My best friend does, yes, call me Crafty Carol. As you blog readers know: nicknames are indeed good for sustaining marriage AND friendship. We, yes, do have research to support that simple fact.

ONE FINAL NOTE and I promise it's the last: My happy couple husband never reads this blog, hence why it's fun to write about him! I think that him not reading the blog is one of our keys to long-term happy couple-ness.

Holiday Challenge: ADD 25%

2011-11-24T15:25:00.001-06:00

What Happy Couples Do and Happy Couple Co is in the holiday spirit!

To celebrate, we're raising our prices on all happy couple items at www.happycouplecompany.com by 25% - just for one day - on Black Friday. Yep, RAISING prices. If you buy something ... a cute mug, an autographed book or three, a set of witty wine glasses ... please add 25% to your total.

No, I have not been sipping from those wine glasses.

Yes, what I have been doing is thinking about culture, holidays, relationships and choices.

Instead of shopping and being busy this holiday infamous holiday weekend, I challenge you (and yes, I'll be challenged myself) to intentionally NOT do something "out there" (shop, run errands, spend money, be busy, create stress) and instead do something "inside" your relationship life - with a family member, significant other, partner, spouse, kid, sister, mother, grandparent, BFF. You might: play cards; write letters to old friends - together; stroll the neighborhood - and hold hands!; take a nap - at the same time; paint each others' toes; just sit and chat, with no purpose but actually, fully listening.

No, I am not opposed to stimulating the economy. And no, I will not confirm nor deny the fact that my holiday shopping is done already (... ok, it is). What I am is completely in favor of is reminding myself and anyone else who'll listen that relationships are completely and totally up to us. They thrive on positivity (read John Gottman's research) and intentionality (think rituals of connection).

So, the challenge in summary: take a day that has become about door-busting and spending and reclaim it. Without spending a dime, make a wise investment: in a relationship that you take for granted. And here some more free advice: you can apply this same challenge to any other 364 days in the year. Free. Not always easy. But priceless, like good, healthy relationships always are.

The Happy Couple Secret ... Revealed

2011-11-17T19:59:00.003-06:00

So, the big news is now out … and wait until you see it.

What is IT? Stop the suspense already!

Happy Couples and our cute little company is featured in the hot, 2011-12 edition of Minneapolis/St. Paul CRAVE - The Urban Girl’s Manifesto: The ultimate guide to women-owned business in the twin cities, featuring more than 100 entrepreneurs you need to know.

I know, right? Sweet!

And the first five twin cities’ women to email me (carol@happycouplecompany.com) saying they read this blog and want a copy of CRAVE, I'll march right over to the mailroom and send you a copy - free! Don’t forget to include your address (it's safe with me).

Last year CRAVE twin cities sold out within weeks @ $19.95 each. Yours if you are fast and a loyal WHCD blog reader or just a lucky first-timer to this site? Gratis. You might even want to re-gift it; I'll never tell.

I know again, right? Sweet(er)!

And not only will you learn about some really cool ideas and meet smart, inspiring women on every page, your CRAVE book comes with all sorts of discounts and ideas (think holiday gifts ... to yourself, partner, colleagues or pals).

Ready, set … crav(e)mail me!

NOTE: I'm adding this sentence at 12:29 p.m. on Friday, Nov 18. All five copies have been claimed. Congratulations! Check back early and often around Thanksgiving or the day after and we'll do this again!! Too fun.

(P.S.S. Not from the twin cities? My apologies. Maybe look for the CRAVE manifesto in your city. It's HOT hot hot!)

Happy Couple Couple-Costumes

2011-10-30T16:12:00.018-05:00

Happy couples have fun. That's a scientific fact. And I'm not saying that we did Saturday night, but I'm just sayin'.

Yours truly, Head Lock Lucy with awesome sis-in-law Bad Ass Betty (not her real name) and our happy couple teammates "sock-her moms" referees B and J.

Happy Halloween!

EVENT - calling all happy women!

2011-10-28T13:50:00.010-05:00

The University of St. Thomas Alumni Association is sponsoring an evening event featuring ... ta da ... me and Anna and our latest book: What Happy Women Do. And Anna is going to tell us a bit about her awesome dissertation about women and our work around holiday rituals. Fascinating stuff!

And what's both fascinating and a bit scary, the invitation to this talk just went out to over 10,000 UST alumnae. Yikes. And I did promise them I'd post the invitation to you ... the happy couple blog-reading fans. So, check out your invitation below. You ALL are welcome.

Seriously, you're ALL really, really welcome! No need to be connected to UST ... or even have been to campus before. The more the merrier, right? And, if not to hear us speak, there will be some free cookies and things to sip, I believe.

Oh, and a fresh stack of What Happy Women Do books will be for sale, personalized and autographed by the authors (yay!). Can you say "I just finished all of my holiday shopping, in one stop, for every woman in my life?" (YAY again!)

From the University of St. Thomas Alumni Association

Did you know that women who form close bonds and relationships with other women actually live longer and have less illness? These relationships are more powerful than you might think!

So grab your girlfriends, sisters, mothers and all of the women with whom you share strong bonds and enjoy a night saluting sisterhood and the rituals that sustain us.

This will be a great opportunity to engage in a fascinating discussion with two of UST’s most charismatic professors: Dr. Carol Bruess and Dr. Anna Kudak. Together, they have written “What Happy Women Do,” which will be featured during the discussion.

Come and celebrate the relationships that we share with important women in our lives, and find new ways to make them even stronger.

Register online by Nov. 11. All women are welcome, both alumnae and non-alumnae of UST!

When: Nov. 15, 7-8:30 p.m.
Where: O’Shaughnessy Educational Center auditorium, St. Paul campus

Also ...

2011-10-22T20:52:00.003-05:00

... (an addendum to the blog from a few moments ago) ...

Little tiny feet make me happy, like these I captured today for a happy couple of their new little guy Adam. Awwww, I know. Look at those 14 day old little piggies. Super sweet.

Sweeeeeeeet!

2011-10-22T20:07:00.014-05:00

An email from a colleague-friend the other day said "Just popped into Patina and saw your latest book. Must make you smile when you see it all over :-)!"

What makes me smile is when people put contagious-smiley-happy-emoticons in their emails (ok, and when spying the happy couple/parent/women books results in a grin on their faces of course).

The happy trio -- What Happy Couples Do, What Happy Women Do, and What Happy Parents Do -- have been spotted a bunch around town lately! The store people say ... ah, what a treat ... they often can't keep them on the shelves. Yay!

If you're not from around town, here is a peek at the hottest gift stores in Minneapolis/St. Paul. And, I'll tell ya what, these are the stores where I'm doing ALL of my holiday shopping in the coming months. Sorry, family and favorite pals, I'm breaking my 12-year streak of only hand-made gifts. Instead, brace yourself for some cool, hip, Minnesota-made creative stuff.

Oh, and now back to our sweeeeet book sightings:

At Patina:
http://www.patinastores.com/catalog/catalogsearch/result/?q=couple

At Bibelot Shops:
http://www.bibelotshops.com/index.php?view=search_catalog_results

And more at Bibelot
Happy Parents

At I Like You
http://www.ilikeyouonline.com/

And coming soon you'll also find us in .... SHHHH ... OH, that's RIGHT ... I can't tell yet! Sworn to secrecy.

Check back, right before BLACK FRIDAY. Ewwww, I can hardly stand the excitement. Can you?

Happy Couple Contagion

2011-10-08T18:27:00.007-05:00

My besties have always given me solid and tailored advice, the most recent being "Don't go see the movie Contagion!" While the entertainment might be excellent, they know me too well: I'm already a tad freaked out by those tiny little things called germs. Ewww.

What I AM fond of is the research suggesting that happiness is contagious; and the research about how crucial it is, as a couple, to surround yourself with happy/healthy people who affirm you as a couple; and the research which confirms that having friends over is one of the key factors in happiness.

So, why don't we all do that - have our friends over - more?!

My husband and I asked ourselves that very question about 3 weeks ago.

And we answered it by, on a whim, by making invitations, sending them out, and throwing a "For No Reason" party. Inspired by our magical friends Jim and Bridget (see post from August "This is Big"), we gathered up a bunch of the affirming, fabulous, happy, smart, funny couples and singles and ... for no reason, well, except that their joy and happiness was contagious and thus we are better for them ... had a blast making the most of a mundane, non-holiday, no-purpose, beer-on-tap, average wine, easy snacks, balmy fall evening.

Thanks to all you cool people in my life. Because of you, we're a happier couple. That's the kind of contagion I like.

Let's do it again soon, k? Before we do, get your flu shots already.

Cliché? or Nay?

2011-10-03T10:31:00.014-05:00

As my students all know, I'm a cheerleader of communication THEORY.

Nothing is, no chance, more useful than a great theory for helping us understand or explain things. You know, thing like what happy couples do. What happy parents do. Families. Women. Friends ... et al.

Dialectical Theory - one of my all-time theoretical besties - explains that relationships of all sizes and shapes require on-going navigation of our very human, simultaneous, and contradictory needs: like, being open with each other and being closed (telling and keeping secrets); like newness and sameness; like togetherness and independence. Send me an email if you'd like a bibliography on DT. Really. You can love theory too! Carol@whathappycouplesdo.com.

Speaking of love, I just read an interesting review of a new book on the topic. Okay, so I haven't read the book yet. But the thesis and research supporting it makes my dialectical-theory-loving-self say hmmmm ... Interesting. Is the fondness/heart/absence thing cliche? Either way, maybe you'll enjoy the review (and the actual book. I'll let you know when I'm done with it) too: Click here for full article

totally 4 ever

2011-09-30T14:54:00.013-05:00

Of course it’s fun to write about weddings on the happy couple blog. A great wedding is, as we’ve all either experienced or observed, the epitome celebratory moment for almost every happy couple! Love 'em, always.

But more beautiful than the recent wedding of my very lovely colleague Maria and her equally exquisite partner Nate is a loving little symbol that – to this marriage researcher – is a sure sign that this pair is starting off on the right foot (feet?)

To commemorate their bond, Nate created them a custom couple-logo. You know, a signature of their new duo-world-order. Their own couple-signature. A sweet symbol which now represents their one-ness. And perfectly revealed to all the world on their hand-crafted, multi-fold wedding invitation.

Ok, is that not the most explicit sign of a couple intentionally nurturing their culture of two?

Indeed, this marriage researcher says, it is!

And if I might offer just one more dose of (personal and academic) affirmation for such a cool idea, here it is: a shout out to Maria and Nate, and any other couple out there who has done something similar or the same. Thumbs for doing what happy couples do: making, with intention, something uniquely your own. Whether it’s a memory, nickname, private hand signal or signature logo, happy couples recognize that what they make of their marriage is really, from the very beginning and until the very end, simply up to them.

Happy first week of your new life together, Maria and Nate. May your logo be just the first of many symbols that glue you together, totally 4 ever.

BTW: Nate also designed the handsome-est and clever-est wedding invitations: a summary of their 'story.' It just keeps getting sweeter, doesn't it? click here for to see in pdf

Spotted

2011-09-28T13:16:00.005-05:00

Our cute What Happy Parents Do in the hands of a happy baby shower recipient.

It's every author's dream to see readers enjoying the pages they wrote with joy and passion. Doesn't it look like they're having fun? Thanks to Tara for not only gifting the book, but for also capturing the moment! Best wishes to the parents-to-be.

A squirrel in the house ...

2011-09-04T21:26:00.007-05:00

... does not increase your odds of being a happy couple (at least not in that moment). Especially when one spouse of said couple left the screen door open -- just a tad, honey -- for couple's small-scale dog to roam in and out. Yes, it was just the perfect space for squirrel to make her entrance.

I have no research to back up the squirrel-in-house + couple = temporarily-not-so-happy. But what I do have (Carol here) is a lived-experience. Yesterday we had a live squirrel in our house! OMG.

It was brief. It was hilarious (now). It was a bit crazy. Scary. Funny. And also not so funny. But like everything in our 20 year marriage, it taught us something.

The lesson? Shut the screen door (HONEY!). Applicable marriage research? Humor is forever useful in stressful marriage situations. Summary of my experience? My husband is really swift with a kitchen broom. And amen he's also quite adept at forgiveness.

(I'm also super happy the squirrel - I've named her Martha -- didn't jump up and try to lick my husband's face. Oh, Fred, you'll always be our one and only 5-lb-ball-of-furry-love).

Grumpy

2011-08-30T07:27:00.017-05:00

It started with a little bit of irritation and turned into an all out grumpy attitude. Yes, toward my lovely husband. All weekend. I'll spare you the details of my foul mood and how it emerged. I'll even spare you the sweet moment when my 15 year old said "Mom, do you need a hug?" because as much as I loved every ounce of the expression, even that sweetest-gesture-in-the-teenage-mom-world didn't change my grump! I know, right? Who am I? Last weekend, a VERY GRUMPY WIFE. A monster of grumpiness. U.G.L.Y. Not pretty in any way.

But then, there they were, finally clear in my mind: the words of my super smart, super awesome, rock solid friend Deborah.

"You've got fancy problems."

A while back she shared that wise notion.

Indeed, most of our woes are fancy ones when we really think about it. We don't have cancer nor are our parents ill or lonely. We aren't rebuilding our lives after a tsunami or hurricane. Our children are healthy and smart. We have homes, food, friends and jobs. We don't live amidst radiation threats nor real treats of violence. We have dogs and fish in bowls (seriously - pets are a luxury) and even some leisure time. Our 'problems' -- ha, they sound so silly now. Like being mad at our husbands; being 'too busy'; stressing about guests in our house; not liking colleagues; feeling tired; even fights with friends; the red sock in with the white shirts; kids who refuse to fold laundry; teens who spend too much time on Facebook and too little time actually reading a book -- they're all fancy problems. Very fancy, in fact.

Period. Lesson (re)learned. Mood immediately shifted.

And happy couple is happy again. Whew.

This is big.

2011-08-10T10:35:00.046-05:00

First, can we all believe this is Happy Couple Blog Post number 250? Happy birthday or anniversary or milestonersary -- or whatever you call it - to the WHCD blogspot! Big. Yay!!! That's huge. I know, right?

And how perfectly appropriate to honor our 250th post with what I (Carol here) think is one of the best stories - surely ever on this blog - about the hard work of creating ourselves as happy couples.

Here's the story:

It's about a gal name Bridget and a guy named Jim. They met, married, and struggled. They fought, laughed and loved. They enjoyed life and toiled away. They had three healthy and gorgeous kids, worked hard on their careers and worked even harder on being a happy couple. They compromised, insisted and opined. They moved half way and then all the way across the country … and even out of the country … then back … and moved again (even when one wanted to stay and the other said "get me out of this place!") They donated their time and talents, all over the globe. They put the time into each other. And tons into their kids and friendship. They argued some more. They were happy, mad, grateful, and irked. Sometimes all at once. But they continued to work HARD - with the help of friends, family and inspiration grabbed wherever it was readily available - at staying married and being happy.

And guess what? Were they always successful at the happy part? Nope. But are they continuing to work on it? Yep! And what did they decide to do to do a few weeks ago to acknowledge and shine a big, bright light on their 20 years of full, hard, wonderful, crazy, awesome, difficult marriage and family work? THROW A BIGGGGG PARTY (I want to say big ass party, but is that appropriate for a professor type like me to say that? Oops. Just did.)

They threw the most lovely, joy-filled, lift-your-spirits, make you cry, dance-all-night, give you goosebumps because they gathered all of their closest friends and family -- everyone who has helped them get to this point in their coupleness -- PARTY. They dusted off their two-decade-ago wedding attire and put it on! They hired a photographer. Set up tents. Sent out brilliant invitations. Assigned us all seats so we could get to know the other special people in their current/past/future lives. And set the scene for a river-side evening of lights, music, the most delicious food, friends, laughter, drink, dancing, more laughing, fireworks (for real), skylanterns (oh so very awesome-a-sight), and, well, celebrating the 20-year-marriage of one very cool couple.

How absolutely inspiring is that?

Very.

And from their choice to celebrate comes key lessons:

In the words of my dear friend Bridget when I asked her if I could tell her story and blog about their anniversary celebration: "As long as you somehow include that we have worked hard and struggled mightily for this marriage and family and that every bit of it has been worth it but NOT easy! I feel so much that we are not told how hard it is going to be to be married to someone - even when you LOVE them. And I really wanted to have this party because we seem to "celebrate" the sad stuff far to often lately and sometimes you need to combat the sad with a crazy big LOVE party!"

Jim and Bridget, if you're reading or even if you're not, I personally and professionally must thank you for sharing your story with couples everywhere (the not-so-happy/happy/very happy/sorta happy ... all of us and everything in between). For our challenge is to know and be taught and re-taught that being a happy couple is about DOing what it takes to make it that way. Every day. You two represent the best and greatest of What Happy Couples Do because you keep at it. Make adjustments. Tweak. Cherish. Enjoy. And are willing to embrace the struggle. AND say it out loud, so others in the middle of it know they're not weird or alone. You've stayed the course. You've been a model. And you're in it for the long, long haul.

Great work, you two.

And thanks for the LOVE party! It was, in every way, the most lovely evening of the summer.

Oh, and here's a great P.S. to the story; there's so much to tell!

The image at the top of this entry is greeting card given long ago (age properly noted by the many pinholes, one sign of how far this little dose of wisdom has traveled and hung and re-hung). Yes, it was from lovely Jim to his lovely bride Bridget. And guess where it is now? Indeed, front and center on their kitchen's bulletin board, an ongoing aide-mémoire of all that is and shall be. And soooo true, Shakespeare. So true.

[All party photos by the fabulous Katie Worple. Check out her incredible work ... and hire her! ... at www.katieworple.com]

Happy Couples Change

2011-07-28T19:18:00.013-05:00

We all change. Happy couples have the special challenge of managing their individual changes in ways that are sensitive to the other's willingness, readiness, and/or desire to change too.

Why does one have to change just because the other does? They don't … except they DO.

Here's a one-sentence tutorial: As a two-human-system, one member of a couple will, no choice, affect the other whether they intentionally try to or not. Here's a one-sentence example (which might sound familiar since it grew out of a story in What Happy Couples Do): shifting from the rather flat "Oh, hi" or silence when your spouse walks in the end-of-the-day door to "Hello o' beautiful spouse of mine! How was your day?" … the dynamic changes even though only one of you changed your greeting. Get it?

For a real-time example: A change we're making in our house and marriage - right now - is shifting from pretty darn healthy eating to pretty-crazy-super-clean-eating. Evidence: A shot of our newly-stocked all-organic-grains/nuts/fruits pantry and the mountain of goodness on our counter after our CSA arrived the other day:

(NOTE: don't hate me because I have a label-maker).

Back to the change. We are, for sure, 1) getting older, 2) getting smarter (about food and the environment), and 3) did I mention we're getting older? Oh, and then there's 4) we really like being a couple and raising our two cool kids, so we'd like to do it for a really-lot longer. Four great reasons to change - together.

While I (Carol) am typically at the helm of the food ship in our house, past attempts to significantly change our family's eating patterns have been met with one or all of: "GROSS! Mom! You expect us to actually eat that?" and/or "Honey, how much does organic milk cost?" and/or "Can't we just have tater tots this one special night?" (No! That is GROSS.)

This time, as we shift to as much local, seasonal, dark and leafy, high-nutrient clean foods, my spouse has been fully on board. He even likes the kale-spinach smoothies (thanks for the recipe, neighbor pal Deborah). Crazy what 20 years of marriage will do! And how much happier and relationship-ly healthy it is when two people can change simultaneously.

P.S. 2 points if you can, without re-reading this blog, guess how many times I wrote the word "change" in this blog post? There just isn't a good synonym in this context. Oh, and 3 points if you happened to have noticed the Happy Couple Company very hip diner mugs and wine/juice glasses in the background of the veggie photo. Not intentional. But I love it when that happens.

Got Eudaimonia?

2011-07-11T20:53:00.005-05:00

Not a vegetable. Not a disease.

Eudaimonia is actually a noun that I (Carol here) just learned. It's the contended state of being happy, healthy and prosperous.

A word so odd it must have come from Aristotle. Indeed. And is key in the study of ethics. Ew - ethics. That requires thinking.

I, of course, like to pretend I like to think … and do actually think this new (to me) concept might provide another piece of the happy couple puzzle.

As I paged innocently through my alumni magazine a few nights ago, admittedly irritated by the unyielding stack of unread mail from our recent journeys, the article "In search of happiness" grabbed my attention. Bills and even hand-written thank you cards could wait, thank you. There's a professor of philosophy (Dr. Leanne Kent) teaching a class (at St. Norbert College, DePere, WI) and doing research on Eudaimonia. Interesting. On how-do-you-pronounce-that?

Yes, I still - even after a few days research on the concept - prefer to pronounce the word like the basic, green, bean-looking vegetable.

Can eudaimonia help us understand (embrace?) the reality that happiness is "far from a simple pursuit?" That's what eudaimonists say. And you can't - they say - be happy one moment and unhappy the next. Incoherent, they say!

Ugh - darn it. It seemed more attainable before we started thinking too much about it, no?

If happiness as individuals is such hard work, does that mean it's twice as hard as a couple? The article didn't address that. But here's what I learned from my very rudimentary introduction what it might mean for us non-greek/non-ancient/average-thinking couples (and while you decide if that's you, let me take a moment and point you to the full article: St. Norbert Magazine, turn to page 16 and find the leafy-green page with the big white letters. Author, Lisa Strandberg). Four things:

1. Happiness is not a subjective state of mind.
Huh?
2. Happiness is the end goal toward which all our actions are aiming.
But ...!
3. Happiness isn't a mental state; it's a state of life.
Tell me more (but not too much …)
4. Happiness means - okay it gets a little philosophical here - living a virtuous life. It means acting "right." It means being ethical. But what is the ethical, virtuous thing to do in relationships?

No answers, but some clues come from research on long-term, happy marriage: Basic kindness maybe?

And oh my, that's hard sometimes. Even with people we love and like.

But it's worth role-playing and forcing (the old fake it until you can make it technique): "Honey - could you, oh beautiful husband of mine, grab me a glass of water while I finish this blog? Thank you, thank you so much dear. You're such a doll, even after 20 years of marriage. You fill me up."

Barf. But how can someone be rude or unkind in response to such kindness, right? Exactly.

What do you think it means to be virtuous and act "rightly" toward your partner? Do share, eh? Feel free to re-read some previous blogs. Stealing ideas is absolutely ethical and okay when the author says you can. Sweet!

I await your thoughts. Come on. If you've read this far you're almost obligated to (kindly) share.

The newest happy couple

2011-06-30T20:56:00.008-05:00

... my sister Lynn and her new husband Jim!

Ah ... happy couples made in Jamaica, mahn. Grand joy and a sunny, magical beginning to a brilliant new chapter in their lives!

Congrats, sis. Welcome to our crazy family, Jim.

P.S. As my dad told my husband within an hour after our wedding 19.75 years ago: Jim, there is a no-return/no-backs (period) policy on Sessler gals. 100% satisfaction "guaranteed!" It's a great deal. I know, right?

Here's to you! Enjoy each moment (and many loving little rituals - of course).

What Happy Couples Do: In Italia!

2011-06-21T11:29:00.009-05:00

Just a few steps from St. Peter's Square, here I sit (Carol) in awe of the depth, beauty and profundity of the Roman experience. I share my location and sense of awesomeness about Roma not to inspire envious drools of romantic getaways. Instead, context situates my fast-appreciation over the last many days of an Italian way: an embracing of the oft-Europen long view on, well, everything. What a stark contrast from the brief and short-view we U.S. American's often take on, er, just about everything (architecture, faith, large cars, meals, etc etc).

What I will say quickly (so I can get on with our evening stroll, wine, pasta and gelato) is a quick and embarrassingly-brief summary of an informal 'interview' (okay, gregarious chat) with Andrea and Erica, the soon-to-be-married Italian/American couple found running a restaurant in the heart of Rome.

He, Andrea (on-dray-ah), comes from the Trastavere region of Roma. She's from a small town outside of Detriot. He and she run a zero-impact Italian restaurant with a goal of only local, uber-healthy ingredients. Oh, and he's an educator ... both in his restaurant and at a local university.

Did we think such a place existed in Roma? You might have. But not me.

Happily situated in a nearly zero-tourist zone of Rome, La Fete Restaurant entered my life yesterday through a series of, yes, more fortunate events: a 5-hour cooking class in which I was the happiest of all ten giddy students. If this were a cooking or travel blog, I'd tell you all about the 5-course meal we joyfully prepared over a short 4 hours in this tiny, hot, glorious kitchen. And then I'd describe each delicioso bite consumed over the next two (wine pairings guided by our teacher? Of course). But this is a different blog, so I'll resist.

What I will bullet are five intriguing insights about the "typical" Italian couple which, Andrea and Erica assure me, they are not:
1. Most couples have babies and cohabit well before marriage.
2. Most wait until theit mid/late 30's to wed. Too expensive, they say. And maybe a few other variables (mammas, sons,???)
3. When they do marry, most cheat. Super common. Women don't like it. But, well, it's what they do.
4. Divorce is rare. "Too expensive. A very long process." The no-fault divorce? Ha. Not a chance. And cheating must be a "fault?" Another ha. You need many more reasons than that, silly American researchers (my words, not theirs).
5. Communication in the Italian marriage? Lots of yelling! But that's okay. You just have to know what it means (passion ... excitement ... caring ... interest? That and more ... just like Roma provides all of us, travelers and residents).

Happy couples: they're everywhere! How lucky am I to have met yet another one in this divine and eternal city.

Ciao ... and "Cin Cin!" to you, Andrea and Erica, and to all happy couples, everywhere.

(check back soon for photo of beautiful Andrea & Erica ... and Carol who - ugh - doesn't look so much so after sweating over that once-in-a-lifetime meal).

A Series of Fortunate Events

2011-06-12T22:33:00.015-05:00

A series of fortunate events led me to Cristo Rey Jesuit High School Twin Cities' 2011 first-ever graduation ceremonies yesterday. If you don't know about Cristo Rey, look 'em up. You'll be inspired and awed, just as am I (Carol) each time I walk through their doors and work side-by-side with the uber-talented and always-hope-filled students. As one of the inspiring teachers at CR once said: Cristo Rey is one of those places that seems to "find you" … you don't necessarily find them. So true.

For the first graduating class at CRJHSTC, Immaculee Ilibagiza was invited to speak. She gets an A+ from this usually-critical public speaking instructor. Immaculee has a story, and she knows how to tell it. She left me wondering … with those silly little bumps all over my skin as her words filled me with emotion: "How can I be a better ______ (human, wife, friend, neighbor, community member, employee, stranger …?)"

The author of "Left to Tell," Immaculee has written about, and enraptured us yesterday with the story of, how she and 7 other women hid in a 3x4' bathroom for 91 days, surviving in utter silence the genocide in Rawanda. She emerged after those dark, hungry, frightening months to discover the unthinkable. Each member of her family had been killed. Most of her friends were dead too.

She had only profound things to say (yes, I'll be buying her book and sharing her story with everyone who will listen). She speaks about forgiveness and hope and generosity and faith. About otherness, kindness and presence.

In her address yesterday, she also said something absolutely and perfectly pointed to us happy couple readers/inspire-ees .. those of us mindfully and urgently striving to be hopeful and faithful and kind in our ever-challenging personal relationships: marriage, long-term love, profound friendship, functional families, neighbor/community/global goodness (etc etc etc etc etc).

Her simple lesson and words: "Learn to fight, but without the intention to wound."

Ah, the ultimate challenge. Fight for what is right and just and believed. Leave no one harmed in the wake of your passions, words and motivations.

Thank you, Cristo Rey Jesuit High School Twin Cities for teaching ME .. for teaching the world .. how to be better.

Always Learning: Marriage, Happiness, Selfishness and More

2011-06-01T13:22:00.006-05:00

My friend Tom (Carol writing here) pointed me yesterday to the May 30, 2011 NYTimes piece of David Brooks. I adore Brooks. He's so dang smart.

Tom knew I'd enjoy Brooks' thoughts (as I usually do) not only because he writes in the piece about college students -- the lifeblood of both our life's work -- but probably because he writes about humans and their relationships with, well, other humans. You know, us tricky, emotional, happiness-seeking, sorta-crazy, always-seeking, usually-striving, oft-dissatisfied people.

What Brooks has to say surely did get me thinking about relationships (... and marriage .. and partnerships ... and happiness and self-centeredness and defensiveness). His take on the current generation got me thinking more about what we all - no matter age or generation - must (yes, must!) consider about who we are, what we need, and how we (of course I throw this one in here) go about finding "happy couple-ness."

While you might not like what Brooks has to say, might it be because we don't want to believe about ourselves what he says?

Below I've excerpted a few points from Brooks' editorial "It's Not About You." Toggle on over to NYtimes.com for the entire read. You won't be sorry you spent the extra time getting there. Either way, consider the happy couple question of the day: what can "I" learn about how "I" go about "my" marriage/partnership/relationship given that "I" (okay, we) live in a culture of "ME and MY HAPPINESS FIRST, please and thank you."

His thesis sure got me thinking. What about you?

May 30, 2011
It’s Not About You
By DAVID BROOKS
Over the past few weeks, America’s colleges have sent another class of graduates off into the world. These graduates possess something of inestimable value. Nearly every sensible middle-aged person would give away all their money to be able to go back to age 22 and begin adulthood anew. But, especially this year, one is conscious of the many ways in which this year’s graduating class has been ill served by their elders. They enter a bad job market, the hangover from decades of excessive borrowing. They inherit a ruinous federal debt. More important, their lives have been perversely structured.

... Through their childhoods and teenage years, they have been monitored, tutored, coached and honed to an unprecedented degree. ... Yet upon graduation they will enter a world that is unprecedentedly wide open and unstructured. Most of them will not quickly get married, buy a home and have kids, as previous generations did. Instead, they will confront amazingly diverse job markets, social landscapes and lifestyle niches. Most will spend a decade wandering from job to job and clique to clique, searching for a role.

... If you sample some of the commencement addresses being broadcast on C-Span these days, you see that many graduates are told to: Follow your passion, chart your own course, march to the beat of your own drummer, follow your dreams and find yourself. This is the litany of expressive individualism, which is still the dominant note in American culture.

But, of course, this mantra misleads on nearly every front.

College grads are often sent out into the world amid rapturous talk of limitless possibilities. But this talk is of no help to the central business of adulthood, finding serious things to tie yourself down to. The successful young adult is beginning to make sacred commitments — to a spouse, a community and calling — yet mostly hears about freedom and autonomy. ...

... Today’s grads enter a cultural climate that preaches the self as the center of a life. But, of course, as they age, they’ll discover that the tasks of a life are at the center. Fulfillment is a byproduct of how people engage their tasks, and can’t be pursued directly. Most of us are egotistical and most are self-concerned most of the time, but it’s nonetheless true that life comes to a point only in those moments when the self dissolves into some task. The purpose in life is not to find yourself. It’s to lose yourself.

"What Happy Neighbors Do"

2011-05-29T22:55:00.010-05:00

Precisely!

Quotable words (a book title?) from one member of today's early-sunday-morning-neighbor-crew, a collection of cool folks who embrace and sustain the neighborhood biking/coffee ritual (12.5 miles there … sip, chat, laugh, take-on-the-voice-of-a-male role play, sip some more … then 12.5 miles home … then gather on the patio of Bruess' backyard for more sips, chats, laughs). It's exactly what happy neighbors do: enjoy each others' company and good spirit. Regularly.

Amen! Exactly. No doubt. Yay!

In the infancy of the ritual, it was the neighbor guys who defined it and rode. Today and from here forward, us biker-gals have joined the ranks of the Portland Avenue early morning bike brigade. What have we been waiting for, gal pals?

It's what happy neighbors do! Ritual filled with goodness. And if you haven't already figure it out, it's really just what happy people do.

Period.

Joyful conversation. Good times. Super memories. Again and again.

See you next week, Portland people. I'm feelin' super lucky to know you.

- Carol

15 different years, same defining ritual

2011-05-27T17:08:00.007-05:00

My hubby and I (Carol) texted each other midday today: "Can you believe we have a 15 year old? So cool. We're old."

Yes, we do, it is and we are.

Faithful readers know well the ritual at the Bruess house: door sign (whether the kid wants it or says he/she likes it or not) exclaiming the birthday child. While a photo was snapped with teen next to "15 OMG!" today, the words out of his mouth even before I could press finger on the button of camera were "You CANNOT put this on your blog." So, I didn't. I took another photo without him in it. Ha. Happy birthday, kid!

And while the defining door sign activity is, as of today, a good decade.5 years old, an activity we begin tomorrow will hopefully be the very first in a long-standing new birthday ritual: community-based-birthday-gifting. Instead of receiving (gifts, events, parties), my sweet teen decided that we would - as a family - give of ourselves and our time to help the North Minneapolis Tornado victims. In honor of his birthday, we give instead of receive.

And I would say, what an honor to be the parent of one very cool teen (whose photo is not included because of course I usually - not really - do as he says).

Happy Couple Company will be there. Will you?

2011-05-22T22:03:00.009-05:00

Happy Couple Company will be on display at the Women and Children's Expo! Come check it (and us) out. Fun!

http://www.playworksfun.com/link_about.html

Decorating 101

2011-05-22T19:45:00.004-05:00

Life post-dissertation defense has been grand!

The hubs and I (Anna here) are still working on furnishing our home. Slowly but surely, we're making progress. It's been fun and sometimes frustrating. If you recall from a previous blog post, Brent is quite opinionated and involved in the process of creating beauty in our home. This makes the process take twice as long because each idea is proposed, deliberated, researched, and deliberated again. Then, we seek some outside opinions to allow us more depth to our discussion. FInally, a decision is made...

...And then it usually changes a few more times.

But we're having fun making our tastes, preferences, and opinions collide in a new way. Mostly, these projects open up more dialogue in our marriage, allowing us to converse even more, and in new ways. And during our phase of life--you know, the phase where most couples experience a dip in marital satisfaction, due to the high demands of young children--it's been a pretty cool challenge to tackle together. That and gardening. Our marriage loves home ownership!

We're even tackling sewing projects together! We made these pillows under the direction of my mother-in-law. It's perfect, because Thomas needed something to throw around on the porch (ha). I cut the fabric and hand-stitched them and Brent learned how to put in zippers. Sew cool.

Up next? Deciding on living room furniture and picking art. Stay tuned for more updates along the way. Because I know you all were dying to know all about our adventures in decorating, right?

Wabi Sabi 侘寂

2011-05-21T10:49:00.005-05:00

So, I (Carol) am going to be teaching a study abroad class in Japan next summer. Cool, I know, especially given my love of all things Japanese: gardens, kindness, other-centeredness, simplicity, tradition. Ah … Nihonjinron (日本人論): things uniquely Japanese! I love em all: raked-rock gardens, bowing to respect, neatly wrapped packages and, one of the best: Japanese masking tape. SO cool.

In my preparations for the Japan course I came across a concept that at first struck me as quite profound. This morning as I awoke to the usual Saturdays tasks of laundry, more laundry, gardening (in the rain), the Target list, the grocery list, kids and their homework, kids and the thank you cards that need to be written, kids and … well … reminding them/urging them/prompting (threatening?) them to do all the things they should be doing (helping me with the laundry?), it struck me that Wabi Sabi is HUGELY profound for making happiness in our relationships.

Wabi Sabi? It's one of those concepts that I'm sure I don't quite fully understand - nor ever can - because I'm a U.S. American and I'm not Buddhist. Regardless, I like to try it out in various aspects of my life. Today, I'm trying it out with my family and hubby.

Wabi Sabi is an aesthetic - a world view - which sees beauty in even the "odd" or "annoying" or "imperfect" things. Wabi Sabi is seeing beauty all around, even in those things that are "imperfect, impermanent and incomplete." Ah … marriage! Ah … friendship. Kids! Laundry! Family! Imperfect. incomplete. And because they're always changing and dynamic: impermanent.

Wabi Sabi is a way of thinking, seeing, believing and being. It's an appreciation of the "ingenuous integrity of natural processes." Ah … natural processes! LIke relating to and living with other people for years and even decades. Like marriage and long-term partnership. Like dirty laundry and lists and needing to eat three times a day. At times they're all annoying (so many meals to make; so few ideas!). But with Wabi Sabi, they are beautiful … even when they're irritating.

What if we had a Wabi Sabi world view on all the little things that drive us crazy about our children, spouses, partners and extended family? They wouldn't actually drive us crazy, that's what. We'd see their natural uniqueness, gentle beauty, and inherently wonderful while incomplete qualities (lying on the sofa while we do the cleaning; avoiding writing thank you cards until they see the veins pulsating out of mother's forehead; throwing clean clothes down the laundry shoot because it's faster than hanging them in the closet again).

What if? What if??? I'll keep you posted on how it's going for me. For now … I'm signing off to go enjoy some of that imperfect and really stinky laundry. And accept the transience of the tasks that lie ahead on a beautiful, warm, humid rainy Saturday morning in Minnesota.

May you find some Wabi and Sabi in your life too.

P + H + D = HUGE news!

2011-05-11T13:02:00.007-05:00

If you add these photos together, what do you get?

It's Anna D. H. Kudak … but now with a few very cool new letters behind her name!

Yes, it's true! Dr. Kudak smoothly and successfully defended her dissertation last week at the University of Kentucky and now joins the not-so-glamorous but oh-so-fun community of us crazy academics. Anna, on behalf of the Happy Couple team and your friends and family … HUGE congratulations on a HUGE accomplishment. Yay! YAY! Wooo hooo!!!

In celebration, the neighborhood first crafted a sign for her front door. Next? We're planning a party, of course. And what do you bring to a PhD party? Something that begins with a "P" and "H" or a "D" - of course. (Pinot Noir … Hot dogs in a blanket … A Display of Delightful Desserts …?) The possibilities are endless. Yaywhoohooyippeee for Dr. Kudak!

New Love: It's so ... duh ... novel (and the lessons for all of us other couples)

2011-05-02T21:50:00.019-05:00

The world seems abundant with images of "new love" and the excitement, authenticity and giddiness of humans as they gently/kindly/giddily create new lives together.

Need I mention the new royal couple?

I (Carol is typing here) was trying to discern my simultaneous lack-of-interest in the big event (no, I would never miss sleep to watch it live) and my sheer, child-like, warm-hearted enjoyment in the images of the couple strolling about the palace hand-in-hand (probably my favorite moment of the entire "event") before they escaped to enjoy some very private time together. I also was captured by the sweet whispers they shared throughout their big day (even as they walked down the aisle .. and stood above the throngs of well-wishes), the content of which no one but them will ever know. It's just, well, sweet! It's the sights and sounds of "new love" ... fresh, fluttery, fantastic, ENERGETIC! Ah, if only we could all have a little dose. At least once a year or ten.

I witnessed the same giddy goodness today as a student of mine told me today - in radiant speech with a visible glow about her entire being - about her engagement this past weekend. My cheeks hurt as I smiled so wide I thought I might bust. It was pure, sincere enjoyment witnessing her telling and experiencing of "new love!" Ah ... it's so, well, darn sweet! And lovely. And magical. Ah, I want a sip!

And then it dawned on me why the "new love" capsule is so intriguing to me lately ... someone who is about to celebrate 20 years of marriage to my still-lovely groom.

I think it has to do with what researchers find and therapists suggest to couples who seek to "renew" and "refresh" (read: find a little "new love" flutter in their "older love" flatness). What is it? Tell! Please, already.

The rather simple suggestion: Do something NOVEL together. New. Something you've not done before.

Gasp. Isn't that the antithesis of ritual?

Well, yes, rituals (the familiar) are the essence of What Happy Couples Do. But equally important, especially to reignite some novel-fluttery (the glow) in your relationship, is something not-all-that-novel: NEWness. Together. Novelty in your patterns. And in fact, it's something rituals can indeed embrace and encourage.

Now, take note: the something "new" should be something you both at least sort of want to do. But no matter the form, it will - no question - create new opportunities for conversation, endorphins, perspectives, and ... well ... fresh energy between and within your couple.

I have to say: I think it's working in my own marriage lately. And all thanks for a sweaty room full of scantily clad people. For about a year or two I've been urging my dear spouse to try hot yoga. Finally: he's headstanding, side-crowing, and chatarangua-ing with the best of them ... and on the mat right new to me. No birds-of-paradise yet ... but it leaves something to which we, old married people, can look forward to. Ommmm.

For more on what researchers know makes for happy couples, get yourself a copy of one of my favorite new "sources" (a book written for a lay audience; you'll love it): Tara Parker-Pope's "For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage."

And three cheers for love ... whatever the age!

(No, the images below are NOT of me and my guy ... but hey, goals are good, eh?)

For more photos like these - their source - check out http://yogaislife.tumblr.com

Big News

2011-04-22T16:37:00.004-05:00

Whoa. I (Anna) am "done" with my dissertation. I write "done" in quotes because the work of an academic is never over. It's always a work in progress. I can't wait to get feedback from my committee and reviewers on my second born, 190 page baby! The hardest part is over, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I've been reborn!

At the Kudak home we're now moving onto projects that have been neglected since we moved and I've been working double-time on my dissertation. Decorating! Just yesterday we had Dr. Carol Bruess (did you know she should also have a PhD in decorating? It's true) over for a consultation. And to solve a little marital dispute. My hubby happens to have many opinions about the way things should look in our home. He was also the type of hubby who also had opinions about our wedding. Things like flowers, songs, colors, invitations, and everything else imaginable.

Because decorating and wedding planning are typically done by women, I've often thought of his involvement as a curse. After all, this means I don't get my way on all these decisions. Every detail is negotiated. But then I got to thinking: maybe my hubby is just ahead of most married men in this area? He's after a truly equal marriage, on every level, which is one thing I've always loved about him.

I'm choosing to view this frustration as a gift. I've realized, when we both love a piece of art, sofa, or chair, we both get giddy. It's an excitement I would have had on my own had he not cared, but instead we get to share the satisfaction. No pain, no gain, right?

Stay tuned for pics and tales from the journey.

Give Us Wings

2011-04-05T13:41:00.005-05:00

One of our (both mine and Carol's) favorite neighbors, Betsy Davies, is involved in one of our favorite causes: Give Us Wings. Give Us Wings helps build African villages. Betsy went to Uganda and Kenya in January and blogged about her experiences. Very though-provoking, heartbreaking, and enlightening stuff worth checking out:
http://jambofromuganda-kenya.blogspot.com/

Looking for a fun time with friends? Support Give Us Wings while doing so! They're having a benefit dinner and silent auction that would make for a great double date. C'mon, Happy Couples! Betsy will be speaking and she's incredibly funny and touching. It's sure to be a great time for a good cause. Purchase your ticket online:

http://www.giveuswings.org/fundraisers/12-annual-celebration-a-silent-auction.html

As a bonus, you might just meet the one and only Carol Bruess; there are rumors she'll be in attendance! Oh, and there's Happy Couple Co giftware to bid on, too. It'll be a night to remember.

Spring Break, Scissors and A Sister

2011-04-02T16:27:00.016-05:00

Last week I (Carol) enjoyed another of academic's fine offerings: spring break.

Three cheers for SPRING BREAK!!

While many believe spring break is a time to head south, head west, head to the slopes or head, well, somewhere else (yes, we still had a foot of snow on the ground in MN last week so it's worth going, well, anywhere but here), I've come to relish spring break for the week of regrouping, resting, refreshing (oh, and grading papers that I always assign to be due right before spring break. Dumb).

But this spring break was none of the above. It was BETTER than traveling and resting! And ... as you might guess since I'm making spring break the topic of an entire happy couple blog ... had something to do with happiness + couples + anticipation + planning + celebrating + a bride-to-be + a lot of cutting and stitching.

Indeed, it was a week of all that and more. My sister arrived on Sunday. My mom came shortly before. We traversed the cities with ideas and visions for assisting in the prep for my sis's upcoming destination/beach wedding. Armed with ideas, tape measures and notepads, we set out to descend upon the best shops and stores in the metro area. The pinnacle moment was purchasing fabric. Crafting a dress-making plan. And then tackling the project.

A day or so later, I emerged from the new basement sewing room with my sis's 100% cotton (beach-friendly!) wedding dress:

Cute, eh? But shhhh ... don't tell her soon-to-be-husband. He's not supposed to see (yet)!

How fun to be in the middle of the happy+couple+planning! After the wedding (June) I'll post pictures and updates (with bride wearing above gown, of course). Ahhhh ... the beginnings of a happy couple. Three cheers for THAT!

Happy Husband - Behind the Scenes

2011-03-07T19:47:00.033-06:00

The late Dr. Tom Faase taught us (my husband Brian and I) one of the profound lessons of a profoundly beautiful partnership: Amplify the other.

After a party we hosted this weekend, one for which we spent weeks happily preparing to honor my dear friend and colleague Professor Tom Connery, I was glowing in the knowledge that my pal Tom felt fully celebrated and honored. It was an evening soaked with great conversation, luscious cocktails, hearty laughter and much to exalt (Tom is our Professor of the Year at the University of St Thomas, an apt accomplishment for a guy with the hugest heart and the largest set of talents. Woo hoo!) (That's him in the middle)

The next day it dawned on me: our pal Tom Faase would have been celebrating too. Yes, he would have enjoyed Tom C. as a friend and colleague, had they ever met. Fast friends, no question. On this occasion Tom Faase would have been praising (quietly noticing) the subtle yet profound way my happy husband worked joyfully and diligently – even during the hours of my anxiety-filled, irritation-full moments of “will we have enough wine?” and “what if everyone shows up at the same second; can the highly-trained-10-year-old-bow-tied coat checks handle it?” and “what if the outdoor candles blow out in the March winter wind … a travesty of décor disaster out of my view and control?” and “don’t touch that!” and “stop making dust!”

Although it wasn’t his dear friends and colleagues attending the first capacious party in our home, you wouldn’t have know it. My happy husband pal was, without a word, simply and fully on-board. With every moment of planning and execution. With every shortened-breath-moment before the honoree and his family (and 65 friends) arrived. He went full-tilt in the party-planning and hosting (and entertaining and cleaning up until 3 a.m.) because he was - Dr. Faase would no doubt have named it: amplifying. Doing what it took to make sure what I believe is part of what he believes (that cupcakes must be positioned exactly 1/8 inch apart, that the ice must be touching every bottle, and the lights are precisely this way, not that).

Amplifying is not easy. Right? It is sacrifice, practice, other-centeredness and patience. But it sure is magical. My lovely husband did whatever it took to – quietly (save the boisterous story-telling about how the hell the fridge I purchased wouldn’t fit in the $%&$in’ front or back door … to people he’d never met but was not too shy to share our deep, dark refrigerated secrets) -- but yes, mostly quietly making sure my mission to celebrate my colleague was memorable and meaningful. The happy husband he is ensured that my mini-party-production was as perfect as I dreamed it should be. For Tom.

And that’s exactly what Dr. Tom Faase would say happens behind the scenes – in the enormous and most mundane moments - of every happy couple. Most of the time, anyway.

Thanks, dear. You make me better, every day. (That's him, in pink. He's sweet AND cute). Lucky me.

Some Happy Couple Press on Feb 14th!

2011-02-15T19:41:00.014-06:00

Watch the reports:

Reigniting Your Relationship

Facebook and Happy Couples!

Is it true? Could it be true?

2011-02-06T09:15:00.012-06:00

Although nothing I'm about to write is actually "true" or "proven" or necessarily supported or even addressed in the family social science/marriage research, what I'm about to say FEELS true ... and conventional wisdom has it to be somewhat true ... and I'd like to think we (Carol, and my darling husband) have accomplished a FEAT and thus if this were true we can brag we're victorious over another of marriage's large hurdles:

92% of all couples who remodel an entire kitchen WHILE LIVING IN IT will end up divorced.

No, that's not true. Or maybe it is? No one has ever documented the connection between marital longevity and kitchen remodels. But, based on very unscientific conversations of all the stress, choices, disagreements, missed bids-for-connection, $ spent, appliance-caused arguments, more choices, knobs, counter-top-conflicts ... the list is long ... it seems that that statistic must be fact. A dissertation topic, perhaps?

Here's what I do know: WE MADE IT! Our kitchen is (basically) done and we are happy as ever despite our on-going argument about the positioning, installation, and reality of my vintage library ladder on the south end near and over the windows, the ladder that needs some creative engineering and has caused many a contemptuous eye-rolling by both parties in this kitchen remodel. (Damn it: the library ladder is going to be SO COOL! So let's get 'er figured out already, honey. Ok? ... said with a happy couple smile and soft tone of voice, of course).

Here is it: one of our marriage hurdles ... overcome!

(I'll post more when the very-cool-way-creative-super-neat-library-ladder-to-get-to-the-cookbooks is finally installed). Check back!

Happy Couples Celebrate ...

2011-02-06T09:07:00.004-06:00

... their little guy's first birthday. In style.

Happy Birthday, Thomas!

Happy Couples Get Great Deals

2011-01-26T09:41:00.007-06:00

It's true. And who doesn't love (pun intentional) a great deal?

We promise the What Happy Couples Do Blog won't turn into a sales pitch. Forever. But, we're so excited about the upcoming HAPPY COUPLE holiday (insert fanciful thoughts of your loving Valentine here), we just launched a promotion to share the love on our Happy Couple Company site. Check it out!

Between now and Happy Couple Day (er, most people call it Valentine's Day), $10 off orders of $30 or more.

That's a deal worth loving, eh?

Happy Couples Crank It Out

2011-01-22T20:33:00.016-06:00

Big, fun week for Happy Couple Company! Woohoo!

1. It's almost Valentine's day, you know. So we said to ourselves: "Is there a better time to get Happy Couple Company giftware up and out the door?" Our answer: "Duh." Let's roll. We began blanketing the twin cities with some Happy Couple products, seeking some early feedback from our favorite gift stores. And, within minutes, guess what? Our first order came in from Bibelot, the hottest gift store in St. Paul. Woo hoo! We packaged them up and happily hand-delivered them down Grand Ave. Woo hoo again. Be sure to checkout Bibelot Shops if you're in town (or the handy link to the right). If you know cool gifts, you know Bibelot.
Stay tuned for more giftstore news! We'll be adding a "Find us at" list to the Happy Couple site soon. The list is expanding quickly.

2. As we approach a big launch of HCC, we continue to work on our Happy Couple company website (thanks to Tony Bruess, our 14 year old Vice President of Technology). One of our goals is capturing all of the Happy Couples behind the scenes of HCC. Here is one of them: the adorable Vice President Brianna and her happy partner Joe. Could they be any sweeter? Brianna works tirelessly as our only "employee" at the moment. B, we hope to offer benefits and an office to you soon. Woo hoo!

3. Because we, duh, all know communication is the key to happy couples, we created - just this week - the Happy Couples Communicate kit. Yes, you need this. I (Carol speaking here) need this. I should "note the good" more often, post a little love note, apologize and make things right (and get to my point ... which is often "I love you, dear, even when you drive me nuts!") Isn't this the cutest little communication kit you've ever seen? Comes in blue, and red. I like blue the best. Oh, wait, I love the red. I'll take one of both. And 1,000 more for every couple I know.

If you want to come by and assemble a few kits, swing on over. We could use all the fingers we can get.

4. Emily Balsley is our best-kept secret weapon, cranking out the brilliant designs for HCC from her studio in Madison, Wisconsin. Seriously, you send sweet Emily a question or design idea and she sends you the hippest, coolest responses in all of 60 seconds flat (including pdfs, proofs, plus a pocket full of Emily B. goodness). Emily B, three cheers to you (and your cute happy husband Stephen)!
More on Emily coming soon at www.happycouplecompany.com

5. Whew. There is no number 5. But check back soon. Lots going on at the Happy Couple Company Headquarters!

Um, I love him.

2011-01-11T23:05:00.004-06:00

And he loves snow!

That is all.

For now.

More soon.

Happy Couple Haircuts

2011-01-08T21:53:00.011-06:00

I've often said the secret to a great business should have something do with either food or haircuts - the two things people need, over and over. And again and again.

Today as I'm sitting in the hair chair of Johnny K ("my" hair guy), here's what I (Carol here) witnessed:

Two year old named Nissa (I know because I was aggressively eavesdropping) sitting on a booster getting her curly blonde locks clipped. Her dad strolls happily around the salon with Nissa's baby sister Gretchen (again, good over-listening pays off). "Mom" keeps Nissa occupied by holding up books, squirting 'good-smellin' stuff in the air and introduces an occasional funny-face contest in the mirror. Squirm. Wiggle. Nissa is done. Now it's mom's turn. Dad's turn - as more auditory spying reveals - was completed before I arrived. Dad now sits happily in adjacent seat, rocking sweet Gretchen back and forth. She coos. "Mom" and Nissa chat. Dad returns from next-door coffee shop with milk, cookies and something hot and frothy for "mom."

I finally can't take it any more: "Hi!" I say to little Nissa. She is shy but engages me with her big lashes. I promptly get to my real goal, a comment to the happy couple: "I can't imagine my husband ever coming to the salon with me on a Saturday afternoon, and actually appearing as if he's enjoying it!"

"Mom" and dad smile. She briefs me on their story. I knew there must be a story! What happy couple spends two hours juggling kids, water, electricity, scissors, babies, toddlers and conversation with multiple adults on a Saturday afternoon ... and concludes the outing with a smile?

A couple with a ritual, that's who.

Pre-kids and newly married, this happy couple began many a "date night" at this same salon: cuts, styles, then "out on the town" looking fabulous. Now - while Nissa sweeps and blow dries most of the salon and baby Gretchen begins a hungry howl - this young couple forges on with their date, making it a family outing. "It's just what we do."

Ah ... ritual. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.

Cheers to you, the happy couple with the new haircuts .. whoever you are!?

19 years + blowing snow

2010-12-13T22:02:00.004-06:00

Today was our 19th wedding anniversary!

What does one do to celebrate 19 years of bliss ( er, um, er, I mean 19 years of hard work, and some grumpy evenings, and many sweet love notes, and wonderful laughter, and arguments about how fast you drive or how much sleep children need)?

You get a snowblower, that's what.

While I sort of - not really - looked high and low for the recommended 19-year-wedding-anniversary-gift ("Bronze" was suggested), we decided we should get a snowblower. Actually, it wasn't even really an anniversary gift, but today happened to be the day to secure one. And how perfect the day, as more than 19 inches of snow blanketed our city over the past 3 days.

As I thought about it, a snowblower is an apt metaphor for what happy couples do.

It's powerful (just like our relationship history). It makes things easier (like learning how to fight fair or repair when things get 'stormy'). You don't think about it most of the time (read: April - October), but when you need it, there's no substitute (reminds me of "commitment" ... the deep structure of all happily married souls).

I'll spare you my other more trite associations, but you get the point: snowstorms in MN are inevitable. Being prepared is priceless.

Happy anniversary to me ... and you (honey).

Super Sad

2010-12-02T22:17:00.015-06:00

We were married almost 19 years ago (December 13th, 1991. Holy cow, that's a long time ago).

A few weeks ago our sweet friend and priest ... the beloved man who married us ... died peacefully and unexpectedly in his home. We are super sad.

But we also feel lucky to laugh heartily every December 13th when we pay homage to our couplehood by watching our hour and 47 minute wedding ceremony (yes, ceremony. The reception adds another few hours to the video). That night, Fr. Tom Campion told stories of goodness, happiness and previewed the hard work we would encounter in marriage. Dang, he was right! He was a smart ... brilliant ... man. Fr. Tom gave us a foundation of key wisdoms that eve, as he has many times since. About life. About sacrifice. About marriage. We still practice what he taught us. He really knew - some how - what happy couples must do.

In memory of Monsignor Thomas Campion, we say "Amen!" to him. And we are ever-thankful because, as he was oft-heard saying, he'd "rather marry 'em than bury 'em."

You've touched us and made us happier. Thanks, Fr. Tom. We will see you again some day.

Grateful For

2010-11-25T08:58:00.004-06:00

It is a national holiday today (my favorite of the year, actually): A day of being thankful.

So, here's my short list of things (Carol writing here) I am most grateful for:

1. Claire and Matt (the neighbor kids who are out shoveling the snow off our sidewalk right now). Why? Because their parents have raised them to feel awesome about helping others. I love Portland Ave.
2. The way my husband calls me "his bride" when talking with .. well .. everyone. I heard my dad refer to my mom the same way last night. It's contagious.
3. Cream. (For the first time in 42 years, I started drinking coffee. Yes, I know. Welcome to adulthood.) All I can say is frothed milk is best. Cream is a close second place when other milk-altering techniques are not available.
4. My kids, who don't like to wear what I tell them, do what I tell them nor have the manners I tell them they must. But, my life is richest with them keeping me real.
5. And hand sanitizer. Because everyone, especially my groom, knows what I'm LEAST thankful for: puking. Amen for that little bottle of liquid germ killer which keeps the barfing at bay. At least some of the time.

What are you thankful for? Gratefulness, like happiness, is contagious, so be sure to tell someone.

Happy Couple Challenge

2010-11-22T19:39:00.010-06:00

Dearest Readers, we have some exciting new ventures we'd like to tell you about.

First, you know about our product line, right? In case you hadn't heard, in addition to our three books, we now have a set of giftware/housewares designed to remind couples to connect as frequently as possible. Research by John Gottman shows that couples who maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative moments are happiest. Happy Couple products motivate couples to live the ratio. Who likes being happy? I do, I do! Check out our online store and read about our mission.

Second, we have an exciting challenge going on here, at a new blog, The Happy Couple Challenge (click here to check it out). Here, real (cool) happy couples will be documenting 30 days of using Happy Couple Company items to bid for connection. Two women (so far) have agreed to participate. Both are amusing, smart, fun, witty, and overall awesome. Kristen was one of my (Anna here) first friends in graduate school! She talked me off the ledge after a full-blown panic attack in the TA office one day. She rocks. She also blogs here: http://showeringwithsharks.blogspot.com/. Alisha went to high school with me and we've remained close friends even though we've lived in different states for the past 10 years. She and Cameron are one of my favorite couples; they know what it takes to connect under all kinds of circumstances, including living in different countries. She also blogs here: http://lishyskitchen.wordpress.com/

Kristen has already started posting and Alisha will be starting soon. I can't wait to see the creative ways these volunteer bloggers integrate our products into their already fun and positive relationships. Follow along. Join in the fun!

Happy Parents...

2010-11-14T10:14:00.005-06:00

This happy parent (Anna) realized something this morning.

My hubby and I have mastered the art of descending the stairs of our glorious, new-to-us, old dream home in just the right way so they don't creak! Here are the rules:

1. Walk sideways.
2. Step on your tiptoes.
3. Step as far from the edge of the step as possible.
4. Skip the third step from the top. It's not worth the risk.
5. Try synchronizing your steps with the artificial ocean waves sound we have playing.

How ridiculous are we?!

I know, I know. They tell you to be as loud as you can be with babies so they learn how to sleep through anything. We tried. It worked for several months. And then it didn't work anymore. Somehow he turned into the type of baby who wakes up when Daddy's ankle cracks when putting him in the crib. How? No idea. How to change it? We've tried everything.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love mommyhood. So much it hurts. But today I feel tired. So tired, in fact, that I cried when there was no apple cider in the fridge. My little "Happy Couples Are Fulfilled" glass - just waiting to be filled - was mocking me! My hubby and I then started laughing.

Get some sleep, you say? I wish that solved it. I'm not tired because I didn't get enough sleep (9 glorious hours), but because I just want a lazy day. One of those days that you keep pressing play on the DVD player because you're so enthralled with the new tv series you rented on netflix. One of those days that Carol has never experienced because she's never lazy!

All this to say, I am so thankful for my happy marriage. Because happy marriages make for happy parents! We certainly are fulfilled, as my little glass reminded me this morning (hey, we were able to laugh about it. That counts, right?). With or without apple cider. Fine, it's even better with apple cider.

Happy Sunday.

Like Us?

2010-11-09T14:27:00.005-06:00

If you like our blog, sign into Facebook and bid for a connection with us by "liking" Happy Couple Company. We promise, we'll bid right back.

Heck, we'll have a whole auction full of bidding!

Or, simply click on the link at the top of this page for our Happy Couple Co. website and then press "like" at the bottom of the page.

"Just Bidding"

2010-11-08T08:44:00.006-06:00

After having an engaging conversation with my (Anna here) family communication students about researcher John Gottman's idea of "bids of connection," I walked home thinking to myself, "I need to do a better job of bidding to connect with my own hubby." In his book entitled, The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships (2001), Gottman defines a bid for connection as, "A question, a gesture, a look, a touch - any single expression that says, 'I want to feel connected to you.' A response to a bid is just that - a positive or negative answer to somebody's request for emotional connection" (p. 4).

I told my hubby that I wanted to do a better job of bidding for connection. I also told him that I appreciated his call during the day to check and see how my day was going with Thomas (a clear bid that I hadn't recognized or acknowledged to the best of my ability). His work days can be quite unpredictable, so a call is not something I expect. The next day he had time to call me again to ask how our day was going. He also added, "...just bidding."

All together now: "Awwwwwwww."

Bid away, Happy Couples. It takes very little effort, but it makes a really big difference!

And because blog posts are more fun when they include a photo, below is a picture from Halloween.

No, Thomas did not dress as a cute kid for Halloween (well, as his mom, I'm allowed to think he accomplished both!). He's Marty McFly from Back to the Future! See the resemblance? He had a costume change into a pea pod later on. His dad was very particular about the costume's authenticity. They ran all over town trying to find the right articles of clothing. We had a blast in our new neighborhood!

What's He Trying to Tell Me?

2010-11-07T19:54:00.002-06:00

Is all I (Anna) can ask myself tonight. It's rather obvious, you'll see. But funny nonetheless.

As I was tidying the bathroom after giving our son a bath, I noticed that my husband had placed his brush on top of the mirror above the sink, hoping it would stay hidden from me. My silly husband must think I'm even less observant than I really am. You see, I've been borrowing (okay, maybe pretty much exclusively using) his hairbrush. I didn't think he minded. Until one day last week I noticed his brush was standing up, leaning against the side of the medicine cabinet, as if playing hide and seek. And boy did I seek. Did I note the traveling hairbrush as a sign that perhaps my hubby prefers I use my own brush? Yes. Did that stop me from using it? Not that day. So, apparently he had to take more extreme measures by finding a better hiding place. I get it, Hunny. Me and my long hair won't bother your cute, perfect little brush ever again!

I know what you're wondering. Why didn't he just ask me not to use it? And better yet, why am I not even going to ask him why he didn't ask me? Because I already know the answer(s). Given our relational history and the spot we're at in our lives, he didn't bother to ask me not to use his brush because a) it's not that important to him, so he didn't need to make it a bigger deal than it is, and more importantly, b) he knew he'd forget to ask me because we have other (hint: he remains toothless, but is trying to walk!) things to occupy us. Messages can't be sent as clearly--say, in the form of a long conversation-- as they could be 9 whole months ago. Either way, oddly, it makes me love our marriage even more. We get each other. And we certainly can have a laugh about things like this!

Don't you just love love? The traveling hairbrush reminded me, once again, of why I love studying marital communication. Because it can be hilarious sometimes! And serious others. But it's always important.

Should I Wake Him Up?

2010-10-22T20:50:00.011-05:00

Because these pictures make me (Anna) want to! He's been sleeping for over two hours now, but now I'm craving a snuggle. Carol captured every ounce of his sweetness in these photos, don't you think?

Sigh. I guess I'll just have to wait until he wakes me up at 2 am.

Photos by Carol Bruess

What's up, Max?

2010-10-21T19:42:00.004-05:00

He's 3 now. Wow.

Who's Max? Go back a 106 or so blogs ...

and you'll see ...

how he's grown ...

and see solid evidence that Carol ...

still has ... three years later ...

... very average photography skills.

Ho hum, I say (Carol typing).

But it makes me happy to keep trying ... to be better.

Can you say that about yourself as a spouse? Hope so.

How Marriage Survives

2010-10-13T21:41:00.014-05:00

Okay, so no one wants to hear any more about the big fridge that nearly tackled my own marriage. No worries, I'm done writing about the fridge (it's in, cooling, and fabulous). Done.

Instead, click below (or copy and paste in your browser - it's worth it) to read the fabulous Op Ed in the New York Times yesterday called "How Marriage Survives." Justin Wolfers provides a smartly researched and rather compelling look at contemporary marriage rates, the un-effects of the economy, and the way we couple-up in the 21st century. I (Carol) give it a big old thumbs up (just like my husband is now gesturing toward our new fridge, because it easily holds an entire case - in the box, no rearranging required - of his favorite beverage AND all of the green leafy things I make my kids and him consume too).

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/13/opinion/13wolfers.html?emc=eta1

I love research, don't you? It gives us clues and answers, sometimes for things we didn't even know we had questions about.

Dang.

2010-10-05T22:08:00.002-05:00

The fridge is actually IN the house (yes ... it's true). And I'm still married despite it.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm (Carol) talking about, read previous blogs for clues.

Seriously. Getting the over-sized appliance in the door was way more painful than getting my dear hubby to agree to it in the first place. Here is the score:

1. 12 (the number of guys it took to get it in the door).
2. 3 (the number of visits the 12 guys, 4 at a time, had to visit our new home to make said delivery a success).
3. 28 (the number of dirty looks my husband gave me during those 3 visits from the 12 guys).
4. "Are you upset, sir?" (direct quote from one of the handsome young men who carefully noted my dear husband's nonverbals as he watched them give up after attempt #2 to get big fridge in the door). I promptly explained, "Yes, he's upset. But not with you."
5. 29000 (the lbs of spinach and other goodness I hope to fill the new fridge with, as soon as it's officially "hooked up" - yes, I know the 20-something meaning of term. Seriously. Stop it).

Instead, please pray (for me) that the dang fridge will actually cool items and make ice once it's plugged in tomorrow. Seriously. I'm worried.

Stay tuned.

And mean it.

2010-09-28T19:25:00.002-05:00

We had the occasion last evening to chat with a man who has been very happily married for 58 years. He is an acquaintance who we (my husband Brian and I) have admired for many years. What an opportunity, we thought, to find out what yet another wise married person has to say about the truths of a long and blissful wedded life.

His advice?

"Be willing to say you're sorry. And mean it."

My husband quickly burst out with laughter: "I'll be waiting a long time for that!"

What? I scowled at him with disgust, assuring our guests that I am surely and very capable of apologizing.

My dear groom clarified: "She's always right; she never needs to apologize."

Ah, indeed ... the second secret of a happy marriage: make the other person appear greater than she really is.

Good advice, huh?

Older Love

2010-08-23T18:47:00.006-05:00

While packing up our belongings to move (I, Anna, am moving too...into Carol's old house!), I ran across a book by Warren Hanson, Older Love (Waldman House Press, 1999). I've read it before, but as I paged through it this time, I had a completely different perspective (hint, the perspective change might have something to do with the newest member of our family, who, I am convinced, is part puppy). I was reminded, once again, of the power of ritual throughout the course of our lives. Hanson writes:

We hear this old love every day, in ways we'd never think. The gentle plink of dishes swishing in the kitchen sink. The sound of slippered footsteps in the hallway overheard, when I have risen early, and you have stayed in bed. The morning paper. Coffee in the same old favorite cups. The fond, familiar rituals that nothing interrupts. The joyful jingling of your keys. Your telephone hello. The quiet, happy humming of that song from long ago.

We could choose to get upset by the little (and big) things that bother us. Like when my husband is adamant about selling my huge, ugly-but-useful desk on Craigslist because "it won't fit in the new house" (oh I'll make it fit, darn it!). Thank you, Warren Hanson, for reminding me to always find joy and gratitude in my marriage. It's not that hard, really. He is moving without me while I attend a wedding across the country. Ultimately, it's the little things that we do, each day, that contribute to long-term happiness and success in relationships.

One of my favorite rituals these days is sharing a massive mason jar as a water glass at dinner. We share these days because one person carries Thomas to the table and the other person carries the food. 4 hands, 1 baby, 2 plates, 2 glasses. You do the math.

Be happy with the little things. Every day.

The Construction Bounce

2010-08-15T22:14:00.006-05:00

We (Carol here) are in the middle of renovating a big old house. It's a combination of "What were we thinking?" and "This is incredibly fun" and "Holy cow, how many staples did they need to put down carpeting?"

It's also a bit of my dearest husband and I having a nice little set of arguments about, well, everything from "Wear the damn earplugs before using the sawsall, seriously." and "How much did you spend on that fixture? Stop spending money!"

But ... alas ... in the midst of painting, demolishing a kitchen, pulling up carpeting, stripping wallpaper, yanking up staples and then back for another layer of painting (and, of course, baking many pans of brownies for all the people helping paint/demolish/strip/yank), I recalled the stunningly sly advice of my dear friend Molly, first shared in our Tuesday Sept 4, 2007 blog. Suga, you are so wise.

Readers, go back and find this post; it's worth it (moving/constructing/yanking/painting or not).

Long live the construction bounce!

Anyone know a good piano mover?

Another upside to love letters ...

2010-08-08T21:06:00.008-05:00

... is finding them 22 years after you've written them, re-reading them, and enjoying them all over again. (It's Carol writing this ... although I'm guessing Anna might have similar discoveries to report?)

Although my lower back is screaming and my house is a mess of boxes because we're in the middle of moving, today's packing uncovered a box in the garage rafters marked "memories" in my mother-in-law's hand writing. My hubby had secretly tucked the box of goodies (letters, poems, scrapbooks, cards ... and a boy scout patch or two) away for, well, finding them again some day! Today he sure did.

There he was ... in a lawn chair in the middle of the garage on this 97 degree day ... with a huge smile and a rather large pile of letters I had written him during our first years together. He demanded I look at all the sweet-nothings I had written him. He could hardly contain his boy-ish joy. I could hardly believe that our world has changed so much in 20 years; who writes 4-page hand-penned love letters?

And then I asked myself a few more questions:

Did I really make my own envelopes out of magazine pages? Did I really draw silly little illustrations - most of them with word bubbles - on every page? Did I really inflate a huge balloon, write a letter in permanent marker, deflate the balloon and send it to my then sweety/now husband, complete with instructions on what to do when he received it?

Am I really telling the world how silly and corny I was as a young gal in love?

Yes, it's the 20-year return on love letters: Finding. Opening. Remembering. Laughing our heads off at how goofy in love we were.

Maybe, after we move, I'll write another love letter or two, craft an envelope out of a page of the NYTimes, and tuck it away in our new rafters. Who knows how long it will be until we find them again. But when we do, how grand it will be.

Answers to My Own Questions: 9 Months Later

2010-08-01T10:19:00.009-05:00

Last October, I (Anna writing here) posted ten of the many questions I had as an expectant mother. So much has changed in the nine months since I wrote the original post! This post will tell us if all those anxious questions I had during my pregnancy were actually worth worrying about. Below are the things I've realized, just as all those moms who have come before me have.

1. Will I still love my work?

Yes! I still absolutely love teaching and researching. Finding the time to conduct said work is another story. While I was pregnant I thought that having a baby would change me so much that I wouldn't enjoy the things I did before baby came. In terms of work, this has not held true. Now I just need to learn how to accomplish my work while also being a mom. Trickier than I once imagined.

2. Will my husband and I struggle to find our joint parenting style?

Not yet, at least. The biggest struggle is probably with time management. Do we clean up the house, or relax and watch Mad Men? Mad Men has been winning the past couple of nights. We try to never have the tv on when Thomas is awake (and unfortunately, he's awake more than he should be! The stinker fights his sleep). Sweeping can wait.

3. Will I experience the love everyone describes they have for their children?

Yes, instantly, yes. Carol told me not to worry about this one, but for some odd reason I still did. One thing I have learned, however, is that even though the love is unconditional and so very, very strong, I still get frustrated with him. When his razor sharp nails claw me or he pulls my hair, I get a little peeved. When people kept saying, "it's different when it's your own kid," I thought it meant that these things wouldn't bother me. Wrong-o. But then he giggles and it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe that's what they meant?

4. Will my view of the world change? My thoughts on politics or religion?

Nope. I haven't experienced a shift in either of these views. Perhaps, though, my opinions have more depth to them these days.

5. Will I still like my regular tv shows?

Yes and no. I miss having the time to watch them. But if I missed an episode of my shows, it doesn't bother me. I didn't finish the seasons of several of what my favorite shows used to be. And I don't really care. I never thought I'd say that!

6. Will I finally feel like a grown up?

Absolutely not. I still look at Thomas and think, "could this seriously be my child?" Aren't I still 18 years old? Not by a decade, but it feel doesn't feel that way.

7. Will I remain connected with my friends?

Yes, I have definitely remained connected to my friends. One thing that has changed, however, is that I cannot just pick up and go anymore. It takes a long time to pack the little guy up. And as soon as we're ready to head out the door...whoops...someone needs their diaper changed again. My friends definitely accept my role as a mother and the best of friends even help out with Thomas. I love my friends for loving my baby.

8. Will my baby be as fun(ny), cute, and smart as my nephews?

He is, objectively (ha), the cutest, smartest, most fun baby that ever lived. Ever. Right up there with my nephews!

9. How will I ever survive without sleep?

Well, Thomas was an excellent sleeper for the first 4 months of his life. So, I think he eased us in quite gently. The past two months, on the other hand, have been more challenging. But each day we keep on going. Somehow. It must be one of life's little mysteries. It helps to hear people say, "this is just a phase." And I'm certainly trying to not wish away this very sweet phase of his, just because I'm not sleeping as well as I used to.

10. Will my husband and I still laugh multiple times a day? Will we adapt our rituals?

I can finally understand why, time and again, studies have found that the years with young children are some of the hardest for married couples. Yes, we laugh multiple times a day. But the laughter that was once directed toward each other is often focused on Thomas. He'll make a cute face or noise and we'll laugh. One of us will do something funny to make him laugh and then we're all laughing. Our house is full of joyful moments. But it is definitely much harder to have in-depth conversations with our new addition and work schedules. We always loved to take walks and talk together, and this ritual has only become more important to us. Only now, our walks have several purposes: getting or keeping Thomas sleepy, chatting, and exercise.

I admit, there are times when I miss the ease of my childless life, but I cannot imagine my life without my little pumpkin. What would I do without him? I never want to find out. Were all these things worth worrying about? I'm once again reminded that it all works out in the end, just the way it should.

A Marriage Party

2010-07-28T22:04:00.018-05:00

A little over a month ago my handsome hubby and I piled into the car and road tripped (no kids allowed! Woo hoo!) to DePere Wisconsin, home of St. Norbert College where we -- each barely 19 years old and each beginning our first semester of college -- met.

We were heading east that day because St. Norbert had a really brilliant idea: let's host a party for couples who met at St. Norbert and are (still) married. "That's us!" we exclaimed.

We promptly sent our registration. The day approached. We selected and pressed our best attire. Then happily left our kids behind and headed east in our station wagon across Wisconsin, anticipating a fabulous trip down the lane of fond courting memories.

And what a party it was! We gathered with a bunch of people we'd never met but yet knew, without needing to speak, shared an intimate (pun intentional) connection to the spiritual and physical place of our beginnings (Sensenbrenner Hall ... Burke Lobby .. Tommy's Lighted Dance Floor ... the banks of the Fox River ... The Knight Club ... Old St. Joes ... and the front row of Psychology 101 with Dr. Zurowsky ... ).

The Wedding Party evening began with a renewal of vows and mass followed by -- what else? (think wedding reception) -- dinner, dancing, wedding cakes and a photographer! There were even gifts for all. Corny? Not at all. Lovely? Absolutely ... and then some. As someone who studies but claims very little expertise on coupledom, my only point of contention with the night was the name (it really should be called "The Marriage Party"). Because, really, the day was a celebration of so much more than weddings. It was a big party to shout out marriages! It was a tribute to us mundane couples who work - not always successfully but faithfully - at sustaining our connections. It was a chance to pause and say "Yes. I'd choose you again."

That, as those of us who are married know, is easier on big/celebratory/happy days such as this, but is harder yet all-the-more satisfying on the mundane and especially challenging days (case in point: the day we returned home to find out one of our dear children had announced to all his 212 "closest" facebook friends he was home alone all weekend. WHAT?! Intense marital/parental discussion ensues as we drive even more quickly west again ...)

But, alas, our weekend was indeed quite memorable and lovely. And now our wedding album now has yet another page, this one subtitled "18 years, but who's counting ... "

Photos by Mary Majella Baugnet of Majella Studio, Green Bay, Wisconsin (www. majellastudio.com). Thanks, Mary, for capturing our aging joy.

Some Science of Happy Marriage

2010-07-22T10:21:00.015-05:00

I (Carol here) was rummaging through the it's-summer-so-let's-clean-up-the-office-desk pile (yes, I only have one of those piles; don't hate me) and came across an article I knew I'd want to read. Amen for a pile! The article is indeed one I wanted to read and its lessons are ones I now want to share with all of you. The brief piece called "Keeping Marriages Healthy, and Why It's So Difficult," admittedly did first pique my my curiosity because the sentence beginning the fourth paragraph uses the words "That is what happy couples do." WHAT?! That's my line! I use it with friends. My husband. Colleagues. And work it into as many conversations as possible. Yes, my friends are sick of hearing it. My husband, of course, is always eager to hear more. My colleagues? They're just too kind.

Dr. Karney, author of the Keeping Marriages Healthy, is also co-director of the Relationship Institute at the University of California and is on to something (note to self: "What Happy Couples Do" sounds like a great book title). He offers a smart, concise, and beautiful summary of why marriage IS so darn difficult. At the same time, he uses decades of research - both classic and contemporary - to point out what happy couples do differently than their unhappy peers. I'll attempt a summary of what he tells us:

Karney says, "People rarely change their minds about subjects that are important to them." (If you believe in gun control now you will likely believe the same 10 years from now. Same goes for abortion/women's rights, political leanings, etc). Marriage, unfortunately, is the exception to this rule. Even for people who stay married, high levels of marital happiness tend to decrease over time. What are the happy couples doing, those who maintain more of their initial levels of happiness?

1. If we are to stay happily married, we must learn how to "believe" our spouse is wonderful (over time, globally).
2. Happy couples, over time, "change their beliefs about what is important in their relationships." In other words, they believe (and this is a good thing) that the aspects of their marriage which have declined must simply not be as important after all (it's not that important that we don't hold hands when we walk. It's not that important that we don't kiss passionately every time she walks in the door). Instead, they selectively attend to only those parts of their marriage which they think are positive (We trust one another. He'll be there for me. We have a long and interesting history). Basically, they choose to focus on the positive (globally).
3. Although happy couples "believe" pretty consistently over time that their marriage is - from a balcony perspective, or globally - pretty positive, all couples naturally have day to day variations in how they feel about their partners. The difference between the happy and unhappy couple is this: Happy couples make "charitable explanations" of the other spouse's undesirable behavior. Example: "He left his socks on the floor yet again, but it's probably because he had a rough day at the office." And "She was really withdrawn and self-centered tonight at dinner, but I'll bet it's not because of lack of interest in me, but a hard day caring for her aging parents."
4. In a way, such "charitable explanations" of the other person's behavior - when explained as isolated and specific to the day, mood, or context - don't allow for overall change in the positive view of the marriage (again, from the "balcony" perspective).
5. As Karney explains "Making charitable explanations severs the link between specific negative perceptions and global evaluation of the marriage." Or, as he even more clearly explains: "Couples who are able to acknowledge their partner's faults while maintaining positive views of their marriage overall" are, simply, happier. They are also less likely to divorce."

So, dear spouse of mine (who surely is an avid reader of his wife's blog. Dude, seriously, you should read these at least once a year to find out when I'm sending important metamessages to you!), keep in mind that while we may disagree on how much to spend on that new refrigerator and the material of the counter tops which will soon grace our new kitchen, I'm still that spouse you love and trust ... 18 years and counting ... and I do make a great gin and tonic, eh? And you like my quirky, neat-nik-ish, silly tastes, right? And the way I have to make the bed right when the last toe is out. And the way I wash the dog with Rosemary Mint "Buddy Wash" (plus Buddy Conditioner). Globally. 48" refrigerator not withstanding, correct? Of course you do. Because that's what happy couples do.

* To read the full article by Benjamin Karney in the APA Science Brief, copy and paste the following link into your browser: www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2010/02/sci-brief.aspx

Feeling Ignored?

2010-06-30T07:38:00.002-05:00

How nice to hear from friends and loyal Happy Couple Blog readers that you're feeling ignored! Stiffed. Abandoned! We had no idea so many of you cared or logged in. We're touched you noticed our lameness at blogging lately.

What I've been noticing lately (Carol here) is how during summer my bids for connection are more often to my neighbors, extended family, out-of-touch friends, long-seen buddies, and new acquaintances. How my attention shifts slightly from being "on" my email, text messages, and blogging urges to being on my kid at bat, my garden in waiting, my husband reading the morning newspaper on the porch. Yes, dreamy. Yes, easier. Yes, all excuses for ignoring all of you who want to read about Happy Couples!

Instead of making excuses, I'll make an invitation, a bid for connection (read back a few blog posts if you don't know about Bids): Respond to this post and ask us questions. Start a discussion. Tell us what's on your mind. Declare your favorite post. Make a request. Tell us what you notice, want to know, wish to learn (about relationships). Happy people let their feelings be known (sometimes, and with a smile, of course).

Thanks for noticing that we haven't been noticing you enough! And now if you don't respond, we'll really feel badly.

What Happy Dog Owners Do.

2010-05-22T22:04:00.003-05:00

They laugh when their cute dog gets curious during a photo shoot of some of your new products!

Yes, you're seeing a sneak peek at the soon-to-be-launched Happy Couple Company glasswares! Cute, eh?

Almost as cute as Fred (woof).

Check the Happycouplecompany.com site in the next few days. You might just be the first to own some of these and some other nifty little ditties, each designed to inspire.

P.S. Yes, it was glasses and mugs in the boxes from last post! Wahoo. We can't wait to show you everything.

Hmmmm ....

2010-05-14T20:09:00.003-05:00

Wonder what is in these boxes?

Soon.

You will know too.

Check back.

Clarity and Care

2010-04-30T16:32:00.008-05:00

Today we returned home from the funeral of a great man. He was not only my husband's undergraduate advisor and mentor, and a dear friend to us both, he was an awe-inspiring and award-winning professor of family, marriage and sociology ... still affecting both Brian and I 20 years later in our lives, relationships, marriage (and in my classes, of course). As I listened to his children summarize the traits of their most beloved father - Dr. Tom Faase - I was reminded yet again of Dr. Faase's core philosophy: "When the time of our particular sunset comes, our thing, our accomplishment won't really matter a great deal. But the clarity and care with which we have loved others will speak with vitality of the great gift of life we have been for each other." (A Celebration of His Life, Tom Faase, April 29, 2010).

Thank you, Tom, for once again being a teacher. Your goodness lives on in so many of us, no doubt more deeply than your humble self would ever have let you imagine. Thanks to your model of unconditional kindness, we are better people (and a happier couple, no question).

P.S. How perfect that we pay homage in this - the 200th posting of What Happy Couples Do blogspot! - with a nod to the man who found happiness in EVERY (literally - not kidding - in delightful simplicity) moment. To Debbie, his dear wife, and to his beloved children, may you find peace in Tom's rest.

Hot ...

2010-04-04T22:57:00.005-05:00

... off the press!

We received sample copies this weekend and, oh my, we are two of the happiest women in town or what? Although the entire shipment won't arrive for a month or so, we couldn't resist a "new arrival" photo of our little baby sitting happily (yes, we like that word) on our desks.

Fairview Press and Steve Deger: we adore you! Have we mentioned that lately?

Happiness reigns, again and again. Three cheers for joy (... as well as for making it to Happy Couples Blog post #199. Holy cow. Thanks for continuing to read along).

5 weeks of Parenting

2010-03-12T09:38:00.002-06:00

What I've learned in the five weeks of Thomas John's life:

1. Putting on socks is impossible to do while holding a baby. It's challenging even when he's in a sling. And with a baby who loves to be held (yes, even during naps), this can be a challenge. For warm feet, I must put socks on immediately after showering.

2. Babies are cute even when they're crying! However, cuteness decreases after an hour and a half of continuous crying.

4. I wish I could bottle up his sweet little squeaks and grunts and save them for a rainy day in about 14 years.

5. I hate to admit it, but everything I heard about parenthood is true. It does change your life. You do love them to pieces. You are sleep deprived. You shouldn't expect to get anything else done while at home with a baby all day.

6. He's started to smile and coo and it melts my heart.

7. I can hardly wait for 5:00 because I know Brent will be home soon. I celebrate each passing hour after noon because I'll soon have my companion back. Also, nothing is more fun than seeing Brent be the best daddy I ever could have imagined.

8. Thomas spends most of the day hanging out in one of these: http://www.sleepywrap.com/ He loves it and so do I. I wouldn't want to go through the infant stage without it. In fact, as I write this, I'm standing up and bouncing while Thomas looks calmly looks around and fades in and out of sleep.

9. Cloth diapering is not as bad as people make it out to seem. The price is certainly right, and you can't deny the environmental benefits. Plus, they're kind of cute.

10. Family is amazing. We've had so much help and support from both of our families. Both my mom and Brent's come one day a week to spend time with Thomas and help me get some work done. We're so lucky that our parents love Thomas (and us) so much and live close enough to help us out.

Passion. Clarity. Wants me to succeed.

2010-03-02T07:57:00.001-06:00

A few years back I (Carol writing here) sat down with my academic dean for a cup of coffee. We are friends and thus we often chat about life. About our kids. About students. And about publishing and theories and what great recipes we've tried lately. The conversation that day turned to teaching, of course. We teachers can't help ourselves but to muse about how to be better, brighter and grade more essays in shorter periods of time. Something my friend/dean/colleague Tom said that day stuck with me. I actually wrote it on a sticky note and secured it right next to my office computer on a steel file-folder-organizer-thingy. It has remained there for a good 4+ years now. In three memorable phrases he smartly summarized what distinguishes the creme de la creme teachers from all the rest.

The best of the best professors ...

1. are passionate.
2. are clear.
3. want their students to succeed.

It dawned on me yesterday as the sticky note caught my gaze once again: Maybe these are the same "secrets" of the happy couple masters? Of the creme de la creme relationship partners? Of the people who seem to really find deep gladness and awesome giddiness in one another, year after year. Of those darn happy couples most of us yearn to become.

1. Passion. (Gosh darn it, let's be happy! Let's do things to keep us connected. Strong. Repaired. In "like" with one another, even when the economy plummets, the children are melting, and the laundry is piling up).

2. Clarity. (Of vision. Of purpose. We do whatever it takes to remember, time and again, that "we" come first. And that "we" stay happy. And that "we" keep our priorities straight. Before jobs and kids and cars and mortgages. WE matter, yes we do!).

3. Holding up the other. (Does your partner - the other part of your team - really know, deep in her/his heart, you want her/him to succeed? That he is smart? That she is valued? That you are open to his smart influence? That she will be listened to?)

Thanks, Dean Connery, for your wisdom. You never cease to impress and amaze (dude). Let's grab a cup of coffee soon, eh?

A Happy Couple (+ One More)

2010-02-21T19:47:00.006-06:00

Thomas + a happy couple = a really great photo shoot.

(photos by C. Bruess)

More updates from the happy parents soon ... !

Arrival (!!!!)

2010-02-06T23:24:00.006-06:00

It happened yesterday at 6:32 p.m. The waiting ended and into the world appeared Anna and Brent's new little love: Thomas John. The perfect name for the perfect baby.

Anna, you are a mountain of strength. Brent, you are a rock-steady presence. Together with Thomas, you are an unstoppable threesome. Welcome to the new chapter in your life! May it be filled with lots of sleep, many new loving little (couple/child/parent/partner) rituals and even more moments of pure and unfettered gladness (even when those moments are in the middle of sleepless nights).

We can't wait to hear all about your first days, and the wise insights you'll share about "What Happy Parents Do" ... direct from the trenches.

Sleep well. Find joy. And tell us all about it as you do!

Anticipation

2010-02-01T07:29:00.004-06:00

I (Anna) never thought the day would come. Today marks my 39th week of pregnancy. Our baby might still be nameless (that's a whole different blog post!), but he's fully cooked. This means that no matter what, in less than three weeks, I will be a mother. Um, whoa. Ever seen someone go from thrilled to terrified in the span of five minutes? Come to my house. In the past few days, looking at this little sweater and hat, knitted by my sweet mom, instantly renews my excitement when fear sets in. Have you ever seen anything so cute? I'm trying to explain to him that he needs to come greet the world so I can see him wear his sweater. ASAP.

We're seemingly ready for Baby to come. The hospital bags are packed and perched by the door. The car seat is installed. The clothes are washed and folded. Thanks to Carol, the baby's room is perfect. She's been sewing, stitching, and carefully crafting all the little details to make it both adorable and functional. But how come I still don't feel ready? I choose to believe it's because "readiness" is a parenting myth.

While waiting, we're trying to spend as much quality time together as possible. Because before we know it, we'll need a babysitter in order to spend any time alone! We've been pretty much inseparable these days and I'm loving every minute of it.

Wish us luck. Any day now, Baby!

The List

2010-01-19T11:57:00.005-06:00

Well, the idea grew out of an argument. A big one. Yes, we "happy couples" fight too! In fact, we fight quite a bit (it's Carol here, although Anna admits a good "care-frontation" with her spouse now and again). In case any readers are feeling disappointed, remember: reserach shows that happy couples can fight a lot (it's how they handle their disagreements that makes a difference!).

Our (Bruess couple) latest "handling" of conflict looks something like this: Make a list. On the white board. In the basement. In the corner. Where we each check in periodically and perhaps more now since the "list" is new and fresh and in the just-initated phase. On the list you jot things (key words, phrases, whole paragraphs) that irritate you, jab you, rub you, warm you. Things that make you CRAZY. And things that make you smile. But mostly, the list is designed to highlight things that aren't quite right at the moment (of the "when you walk OVER the dirty clothes which have come down the laundry shoot and landed just inches from the basket but you don't actually pick them up, I think I'm going to SCREAM" variety). Or, one that I'm confident is going to be on my husband's list sometime today or tomorrow: "Selling the sofa and chairs without telling me and buying new ones." Oops. Good point. Not a good idea of a "surprise" (despite my best intentions. Honestly. I had good motives, honey).

Happy couple or not: we ALL have things that make us "slightly irritated." Why not find a way (a visual and ever-developing-but-easily-erasable list) to get them addressed and expressed?

I'll keep you posted on how ours goes.

(And I'll be sure to post a photo when our new sofa arrives!)

Sisterness

2010-01-05T23:01:00.009-06:00

As many college roommates experience, the women who lived with me on 331 Wilder Street became my "sisters." Since our college graduation, we created a ritual (inspired by my cousin and her college roommates, which you'll read all about in our forthcoming book What Happy Women Do), our very own holiday: 3/31 Day (March 31). Each year, on March 31, we try to celebrate our friendship all day. Sometimes it's via morning email and then happy hour later. One year, we were fortunate to all be able to take a day off of work and school! This year, we'll have the birth of not one but two babies being born. Another roommate graduated from law school and passed the bar exam. Another is about to start nursing school. Another is potentially planning a move to LA. Big year for us "sisters." So big, in fact, that it seemed that one day per year just wasn't enough to devote to our friendship.

Therefore, we decided to try for a monthly celebration, too. So on the 3rd Wednesday (which happens to be the 3rd day of the week) of every month, we have lunch for 1 hour: 3-3-1. We can't all be there each month. But we sure try. We realized that when we don't see each other often enough, we end up spending all our time "catching up" rather than building on the sisterness we already share.

We love our partners and families dearly. But no matter how hard they try, they can't comprehend everything we went through together at 331 Wilder. No one else can understand the funny notes we left each other, requesting checks for rent, energy bills, cable, and water.

Or the "rules" we developed for conducting life under one roof.

Or the fun we had together.

Celebrate your sisterness! And take pictures and share them (and your stories) with us.

A Must Read

2010-01-05T20:54:00.004-06:00

I know I've mentioned my friend's blog before, but I think this entry is worth sharing again!

Najla and her hunky husband, Paul, have started a new ritual. They're cross-country skiing together this winter. They happen to live in Fargo, North Dakota, which is one of the coldest places I've ever been. The wind has been known to whip Fargo residents to the ground! With recent temps dipping well-below zero (try twenty below zero), these two remain committed to their new ritual. Check out her blog for some fun dialogue between she and her husband during their ski outing this week.

http://najmania.blogspot.com/2010/01/hotness-in-frozen-tundra.html

What Will You Do Differently This Year?

2009-12-31T10:09:00.006-06:00

That was the question posed in one of my (it's Carol writing here) favorite little magazines this month (Real Simple. You know, the one with the alluring subtitle: Life Made Easier) Who doesn't desire a little life made easier? I've been a subscriber since its inception and seem to learn something simple or profound (or both) in each issue. About life. About relationships. About how to organize my wrapping paper or streamline the mitten basket.

This time (January 2010), it was the reader who responded to the query "What will you do differently this year" with a very Happy Couplesque statement: "I'm going to put my husband first."

She explains: "We each work two jobs and have a family, volunteer and social commitments, so we're exhausted at the end of the day. He deserves the best of me - not what's left over after I'm done with everything else."

Our spouses DO deserve the best of us. The first of us. The most of us. She's so smart, isn't she?!

I'm going to follow her lead and try to put my hubby first. It wont' be easy and I'm not one to make New Year resolutions (more inclined toward moment to moment resolutions since those give me greater odds at succeeding!) But today ... and the next 364 days ... I'm going to resolve to put my spouse of 18 years (and 18 days, to be exact) before everything else.

Wish me luck.

How about you? Want to try too?

Happy(Couple) New Year.

Fun Mail Rule

2009-12-16T00:46:00.003-06:00

Last night, I (Anna) came home to three unopened envelopes on the counter. Did Brent get home, retrieve the mail, and then not open any of it? Nope, that was not the case. Those three unopened envelopes were intentionally left for me. He was simply following our fun mail rule we've developed over time. And this rule is particularly important during the holiday season, when we receive an abundance of "fun mail" in the form of holiday cards. Allow me to explain.

Fun mail consists of letters, invitations, thank you notes, and packages. I guess you could think of it as all the mail that doesn't require us to write a check after opening. Who doesn't love opening fun mail? It's usually attractive. Colorful. Hand-addressed, even? All of these traits make fun mail pretty much irresistibly inviting. Which was why it became a point of contention in our house earlier in our marriage. Since Brent usually gets the mail from the mailbox, he used to open all of it, including the fun mail (sometimes addressed only to ME!). It didn't take him long to learn that I like opening my own fun mail. But the problem still existed because he would open all the fun mail addressed to both of us. Eventually, we arrived at this conclusion: Whoever has known the sender of the fun mail best (or sometimes longest) is the designated opener. For example, today we received one card from my friend from graduate school and two others from my college roommates. So, Brent knew to leave them on the counter where I would see them and open them with excitement! Sometimes, though, he still "sneaks" opening one of mine ("you get way more than I do!").

Rules. They get such a bad rap, don't they? We tend to think of them as restrictive. But really, I think they're quite freeing! Mutually developed rules are, in my opinion, one of the keys to relational satisfaction.

P.S. Send me fun mail!

Happy Anniversary! (But do I have to watch?)

2009-12-13T20:41:00.007-06:00

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary! (Carol and Brian, married December 13th, 1991)

Yes, we are a happy couple because - no question - we keep working on it every day. We also don't let the 13th of December pass by without our loving little ritual: A review of our very poor quality but highly valuable (to just us) wedding video. We are, as I type, sitting on the sofa together, devouring a bowl of popcorn and recalling the evening with great fondness. Our kids joined us for about 20 minutes total of tonight's viewing until my son declared "Okay, I've seen enough" and our daughter kindly and sweetly uttered "Do I have to watch this anymore?" Secretly, I know they enjoy the warmth and security of seeing their parents still in love after 18 years even though they don't equally enjoy the blurry and quite raw footage of their wedding mass and reception. To us, the video is rather perfect: a documenting of the day we donned our best attire, danced the night away, and decided that we'd forever work - moment by moment - to appreciate the little and precious moments together. Are we always successful at doing so? Heck no. But we keep trying. And tonight - hurray for marriage and popcorn - is one of those moments we sure are enjoying.

Kids, time for bed.

2009-12-12T09:39:00.009-06:00

Ritual Sneak Peek

2009-11-29T22:00:00.008-06:00

Yes, it's ritual I can't shake: the annual (it begins in about February the year before) creation of the Bruess' holiday card. I don't actually begin making the card that many months in advance. But I sure begin thinking about it.

Indeed, I try to rationalize all the thought and effort, despite often unsuccessful & unimpressive outcomes: it's the only time of year we get to connect with far away friends and send/receive real mail! It's an expression of my formerly-artistic self (B.A. in Art from St. Norbert College, yes I was believe it or not). It's a ritual, for goodness sakes. And ritual connects people. Gives us peace of mind. Makes for strong communities and families. Ah ... how my mind likes to busily make sense of these silly (no, important) little things in life.

So ... here's a sneak peek at our rather silly and unimpressive card for 2009. The final layout (imagine a combination mall-photo-booth-Brady-Bunch-grid) isn't quite ready for publication. But stay tuned.

Okay, isn't my dog Fred the cutest dude ever?

Celebrating Disaster

2009-11-28T14:39:00.002-06:00

At a particularly delightful breakfast this morning (at Moose and Sadie's downtown Minneapolis, check it out!), one couple told me (Anna) about their recently developed ritual of connection. One that is definitely worth sharing with our faithful blog readers. One that I'll definitely be adopting in my own relationship. It's that inspiring. They call it, "Celebrating Disasters." This couple has had a series of challenging events this fall, including a stolen car, frustrating home renovations, and the usual work struggles. After feeling down about all these problems, they decided to make a change. Rather than complaining and becoming bitter about these issues, they choose to celebrate them. How? With a fabulous dinner. Dancing. Anything fun. With this kind of attitude, this couple is in for a great life together.

Why is it that we typically only celebrate the exciting, uplifting, and positive moments in our relational lives? It's certainly easier, isn't it? But by not celebrating our challenging times, we might be missing out on some of the greatest opportunities for growth. Instead of dreading, sulking, and complaining, maybe we should start celebrating? When we've got someone to share these moments with, they might not be so bad after all. Right?

Mothers and Daughters

2009-11-22T17:35:00.010-06:00

Every year, my friends from high school and I have a mother-daughter holiday event. We get dressed up and enjoy a fancy tea together, this year at the St. Paul Hotel. Look how cute my petite mom looks while I look like a house! We look forward to this time together all year. My highlight this year, though, was when our moms admitted to their "bad mom" moments. For instance, one mom recalled when her daughter claimed she had to go to the bathroom while they were out shopping. The mother insisted, "you just went!" and made her wait a bit longer. When they finally got to the bathroom, the mom realized the extent of her daughter's desperation to make it to the toilet. She felt horrible, and of course, more than twenty years later, still feels remorseful about it. The most reassuring part, however, was that most of us daughters didn't even remember the "bad" things they were certain would have a negative lasting impression on us. After they told us the "bad" stories, they asked us to tell them one of our favorite mom moments to make them feel better. My favorite thing? I remember laughing all the time with my mom. I also remember feeling oh-so-loved in that always-hugged-and-kissed kind of way. All things I hope to pass on to my own little one.

Thanks, moms and friends, for another amazing holiday tea experience!

Date Plans

2009-11-17T15:55:00.003-06:00

How adorable is this? My (Anna's) techy hubby has our "ical" calendars synchronized so when one person adds an event, we both automatically see it. While scheduling some interviews for my dissertation, I came across a new "event" added by my sweet hubby. To my surprise, I spotted "movie date night with hunny" on my calendar. We rarely go to movies in the theater. To save money, we try to have our movie nights "in" rather than "out." But we're going to splurge a little. Maybe we'll even do dinner out beforehand? Another thing we try to cut back on. Come to think of it, we better schedule all our movie nights "out" before we need a babysitter in order to do so!

DO surprise your spouse.

A Seriously Funny Blog

2009-11-03T08:33:00.005-06:00

My (Anna's) friend from my master's program, Najla, has the most hilarious blog.

Like many moms, Najla has many roles and responsibilities. She works full time, is writing her dissertation, and on top of that she has 4 children. Unlike most moms, all of her children are boys. Are you beginning to imagine the kind of stories she might share on her blog? And she doesn't hold back, I promise.

She claims to write the blog, "Because blogging about living with five men is cheaper than my other options." And it will have you cracking up. Today's entry, for instance, is about her six year old sticking up his middle finger, without knowing the meaning of this gesture. And there are dozens more where that came from! For a chuckle or two (or ten), check it out:
http://najmania.blogspot.com/

The First Marriage

2009-10-29T09:06:00.011-05:00

New York Times Magazine has a feature story on the Obamas' marriage. Naturally, I (Anna) had to check it out. What does this happy couple DO?

The cover of the magazine states that their marriage is, "an ongoing negotiation." Regardless of your political ideas, I think most of us in relationships would agree with that statement. Relational partners are constantly (re)negotiating all kinds of things: Who takes the dog out? Who makes the coffee in the morning? Will we have kids? When? Who will drive the kids to piano lessons? How open will we be with others about our relationship? How will we show our appreciation and affection?

When you really think about it, we spend most of our time negotiating in relationships. Thank goodness! Because if something isn't going the way you want it to ("I despise taking the dog out in the cold weather! Can we rotate?"), why let it continue? Imagine doing all of these negotiations in the White House. No thanks! It's hard enough as it is, don't you think?

In the article, Michelle Obama is quoted as saying that the image of a perfect marriage, "is the last thing we want to project . . . It's unfair to the institution of marriage, and it's unfair to young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn't exist."

Right on, First Lady. No marriage is perfect. All marriages are ongoing negotiations. And it's all up to us!

P.S. I want her arms.

... and meanwhile

2009-10-26T12:40:00.004-05:00

... while Anna was out bargain-maternity-shopping, I was home arguing with my loving husband (truly, he's a rock star husband) of 17 years about walking in the house with (wet) shoes on, folding underwear (vs. tossing them in a pile), what we will (and, more often shouldn't) let our teen and pre-teen children wear to church, and why I (note, I didn't say "we") think it crucial to frequently wipe the itsy-tiny-bits of soggy (yet annoying) splatters of lunch, breakfast and snacks off the backsplash (no, a backsplash wasn't designed to DISPLAY the splash). Ew.

Ah, happy marriage. It's in the DOing. Everyday. Every year. At every stage (pre-kids, kids, dogs, no kids, in-laws, laws, rules ... all that and everything in between).

Whatever your stage, do it with a smile.

(insert happy smile here)

Shopping Day

2009-10-24T18:50:00.009-05:00

Today, I (Anna) was lucky enough to be taken on a shopping spree, courtesy of my mom (thanks, Mom!). I simply had to share these shopping tips with expectant moms in the Twin Cities. We were on a mission to get me some warm maternity clothes and a few nice things for work and the holidays. But who wants to spend a whole bunch of money on brand new, expensive clothes to wear for just a few months? Not me. Or my mom. So we went to 3 consignment shops. I had never really shopped for used items before. But my-oh-my, if you don't shop consignment yet, these stores might change your mind.

First, we went to Bellies to Babies, where we sipped on sparkling water and bought $6 (cute) shirts! A winning combination.

Second, we went to Nu Look, which isn't exclusively a maternity consignment store, but they had a great selection of clothes for everyone. As a bonus, I even got a cute jacket for when I'm not-so-pregnant.

And third, we went to Nine Maternity, an adorable store with all kinds of stylish ensembles.

Winter, here we come! I'm ready now. If you love a good bargain like I do, you must stop in these stores.

After finding all these great deals, we went to Crafty Planet (Carol's favorite spot!) to look for baby material for a quilt to be created by both my mom and Brent's mom. We bad a blast. But I was ready for a nap after all that successful shopping!

10 Questions of an Expectant Mother

2009-10-15T15:52:00.004-05:00

Here I (Anna) am, 23 weeks pregnant. The baby is happily bouncing around as I type, which always makes me pause and smile. I can't believe how fast it's going (although I realize I might be changing my tune when I'm nearing 40 weeks). I find myself caught in the classic "dialectical tension," as we call it in communication, of feeling torn between clinging to the predictability of my life as I know it and the novelty of what's to come in a few months. I'm concurrently frightened and ecstatic! Below are the questions that keep popping up in my mind--as they might for all expecting parents--about my upcoming new role as mother:

1. Will I still love my work? Right now I adore conducting research and teaching. I actually look forward to doing my work. Will my "work" become more of a "job" when I become a mother?

2. Will my husband and I struggle to find our joint "parenting style?" Or will we agree on most ways to parent?

3. Will I experience the love that everyone describes they have for their children?

4. Will my view of the world change? My thoughts on politics? Religion?

5. Will I still like my regular television shows like How I Met Your Mother and Gossip Girl? It just doesn't seem "momish" to watch these shows. Which leads to question 6...

6. Will I finally feel like a "grownup?"

7. I intend to remain connected with all the amazing friends I've made through the years. Will it be harder than I think it will be? Will they accept me as a mother?

8. Will my baby be as fun(ny), smart, and cute as my nephews? I'm wondering if it's even possible!

9. How will I ever survive without sleep?

10. Will my husband and I still laugh multiple times a day? Will we practice what Carol and I preach by maintaining or adapting our meaningful rituals?

I won't know the answer to these questions until February and beyond. For now, though, I'll keep pondering them, trying to remain present in the uncertainty (and excitement!) a change like this brings.

Our Marriage "Short List"

2009-10-14T20:00:00.007-05:00

Anna and I sat in the office the other day brainstorming -- motivated by the request of someone with whom we're working on a marriage-related media project -- what we believe are the key signs a marriage is in trouble.

We then, based on the research, created a list of tips couples can follow to get back on track if they feel the wheels have pretty much fallen off altogether.

Here's what we came up with:

Warning signs your marriage is in trouble:
• You go out of your way to make sure you don’t have to spend time alone together
(e.g., the thought of having to go on a “date night” without other friends along is dreadful)
• You stop having sex. Ever.
• There is little laughter.
• You avoid invoking the ‘inside joke.’
• You stop using the loving little nicknames.
• Your self-talk about the other person is almost entirely hateful and negative.
• "Things are not fair” thoughts/actions about the other dominate your day.
• Apathy becomes your "mode of operation" (Remember: hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is).
• You stop arguing (it’s a sign of apathy).
• Criticism comes much more naturally than complimenting.
• You enjoy putting the other down way more than lifting him or her up.

What do to if you see yourself in the above statements?
• Develop rituals of connection (rekindle old and heartwarming routines and/or develop new ones)
• Begin using loving little terms again, even if it scares you.
• Kiss (even if you don’t want to. It feels good, remember?)
• Intentionally tell the other you like something (s)he does.
• Leave a little note that says as much (what you "like" ... or even love or appreciate).
• Change it up: show up at his office and take him out for lunch; call, out of the blue; get in the car and drive (no destination required); book a flight to nowhere (just you two); walk out the door together and DO something. Anything. Together.
• Break the rules; if what you’re doing isn’t working, why keep doing it?
• Shift your self-talk (notice, in your mind, when your partner does something right instead of only what irritates you).
• Ditch friends who diss your spouse (or who diss their own spouses). Negativity begets negativity.
• Try something more positive to begin or end your day (here's a thought: greet your spouse with a smile when s/he walks in the door!)
• Fight. (it means you’re willing to work it through. Engage again. Find out what’s bugging the other person, so you can move forward).

Last but most important tip: get help. Seek a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you sort it all through. It's not a sign of weakness, rather an impressive sign of strength! Think about it: how can we be expected to fully understand, let alone fix, something that has taken years -- one little interaction at a time -- to break(down)?

Rhonda Britten and What Happy Couples Do

2009-09-26T07:56:00.003-05:00

This is Rhonda Britten, book author and founder of the Fearless Living Institute. She's also going to be the resident life coach on the upcoming season of Celebrity Fit Club. And she loves What Happy Couples Do. She also said I (Anna) was her best friend. True story. Seriously. Okay, maybe she was joking. But the words did come out of her mouth! I think that means there's some BFF potential. Here's her blog: http://www.fearlessliving.org/blog/rhonda. It was great fun hearing her speak and meeting her in person. Did I mention she's from Minnesota?

"I Really Enjoyed Being With You Today"

2009-09-21T11:42:00.007-05:00

I (Carol) learned of a delightful little ritual at an equally-delightful wedding we attended this weekend:

The priest, in an effort to create (he was highly successful!) a memorable and meaningful wedding homily, asked the bridal couple to write answers to a series of questions during the weeks before the wedding. It was apparent, from the information he then used to build his sermon, the types of inquiries he made: How did you first meet? What do you love most about this person? What is most important in your future together? What do you most adore about being with him/her?

Of course I sat up straighter (and whispered "loving little ritual," my favorite phrase) to my husband when the priest shared something Emily - the bride - had written about David, her soon-to-be husband. "I love it when he says to me, at the end of every day: 'I really enjoyed being with you today.'" She confessed: "He likely doesn't even know he makes this comment," but that when he does, it reminded her of how loving and kind he is to her.

Loving little rituals! They are the lifeblood of our relationships; they feed them with kindness and goodwill. What if we all said to one another, more often, something as simple and kind as David does to Emily? Our marriages and relationships would be much better places in which to reside, wouldn't they?

A Family Event

2009-09-08T11:16:00.010-05:00

My (Anna's) dear friend, Jessica, works at Milkweed Press. They're having an event for their children's book, Floramel and Esteban.

Come hear an enchanting tale of friendship and experience the happy sounds of a Caribbean steel band. Floramel and Esteban explores the rhythms of life on a Caribbean island and the friendship between Floramel and Esteban, a lonely cow and a lazy egret. This story is perfect for young readers (ages 7-11) and adults who are young at heart.

Author Emilie Buchwald will read and sign her book, Floramel and Esteban, and play a recording of Calypso music for all ages to enjoy. Please join us!

Saturday, September 12, 2:00 PM
Floramel and Esteban Reading & Signing
Refreshments to follow
Open Book, Target Performance Hall
1011 Washington Ave S
Minneapolis, MN 55415

“Long live the artists and their encouragers; long live Floramel and Esteban!” —Debra Frasier

“Written with grace and joyful precision, Floramel and Esteban presents an unlikely pair, an unlikely musician, and an unlikely career choice in a poignant tale that will replay in your mind like a beloved melody.” —Juanita Havill, author of Grow

“Floramel and Esteban is the kind of book readers don’t often see anymore—a generous and spirited story of animals, love, island culture, friendship, and pure joy.”
—Susan Straight, author of A Million Nightingales

Come One, Come All

2009-09-04T13:28:00.002-05:00

Come get your signed copies of What Happy Couples Do and What Happy Parents Do. We'll be there. You should be, too.

Fearless America: Setting America free one town at a time.
Thursday 9/10/09
7-9 PM (Doors open at 6:30)
The Radisson Hotel, Roseville.

Emmy-award winner, Oprah repeat guest, bestselling author, NY Times 'America's Favorite Life Coach,' Rhonda Britten, is bringing the Fearless America tour to Minnesota.
With Americans in fear over the economy, health care, housing and so much more she's decided, as a globally recognized expert on fear, to bring her fearless message to the twin cities.

Fear can be paralyzing diminishing our self-esteem and ability to make powerful decisions about our lives. She wants to support folks by showing them how fear operates, how it can be dismantled and what to do about it in any and all situations. It will be an interactive two-hours on September 10th in Roseville, MN.

If you or anyone you know are stuck, bogged down, facing hardship, please come and hear Rhonda speak and get practical tools that are immediately useful.

She looks forward to sharing 'how to be more fearless in these fearful times' with you.

Any additional info about Rhonda and the Fearless America Tour can be found at www.FearlessLiving.org

Once A Day

2009-08-12T17:30:00.012-05:00

What are your daily rituals and personal routines? Do you have a way of beginning or ending the day, without which you feel a bit off, empty, irritated (or all of the above)

Rituals not only build relationships, they can build structure, peace and predictability in our individual lives as well.

My 13 year old got me (Carol) thinking about daily rituals this week when he revealed his latest video-creation, a compilation of self-portraits put into motion. Once a day, for an entire year, my little cutie-patutie has been taking his own picture. Not a day did he miss: rain or shine, home or away, holiday or not. Impressive (albeit a bit oddly adorable) daily ritual, eh?

Check it out!

P.S. 2 bonus points if you can name the state on Tony's favorite sweatshirt without watching the video twice.

Cuteness

2009-08-09T12:17:00.004-05:00

Look what Carol made for Baby Kudak! Have you ever seen cuter onesies? We'll have the hippest baby on the block with these hand-stitched, made from scratch, with love onesies. They make us so excited for our little love to get here. Thanks, Carol!

Telling the Parents

2009-08-05T18:15:00.011-05:00

How to tell them? How do you tell your parents that they're about to be grandparents? That they will have a new title and a new addition to their family? This took quite a bit of deliberation. We wanted to do something original and memorable. First, we had to figure out timing. We were almost ten weeks along, and we figured we had the perfect opportunity. My parents were coming through the Twin Cities and we had them over for dinner. We arranged to see Brent's parents only a couple of days later. Then we came up with a plan: We would capture their reactions on camera. While telling my parents, Brent would take the photo. After counting to three, I would announce "we're having a baby" while Brent continued to take photo after photo of their reactions. I took the camera when we told his family. Here are the shots. Please excuse the poor iphone quality!
Me telling my parents.

My mom figured it out first.

Finally, my dad gets clued in and asks, "are you serious?"

And then we told Brent's parents. Here's Brent about to tell them. They have no idea what's about to hit them.

Still no reaction. Brent's waiting for it.

Figuring it out.

Now they believe it.

But they're still shocked!

We're so glad everyone knows now! These pics will definitely be put in the baby book.

In February...

2009-08-04T07:58:00.006-05:00

this couple (Anna and Brent) will become parents for the first time. When this picture was taken, nearly four years ago, we knew we'd like to have kids one day. And here we are. We're so thrilled! And a little frightened. Am I allowed to say that? Well, it's true. Our whole lives will change and we only have 9 months to get ready. And 3 of those months are gone already!

We're mentally preparing by reading a couple of books that my mom got for us. They came highly recommended by some other parents: The Happiest Baby on the Block by Karp and Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn by Simkin et al. Now we've got to physically prepare by making room for baby in our small house. Last night we were going through some drawers and found a stack of Brent's high school senior picture wallets, an old waterproof film camera, and some chords that belong to something, but we don't know what. Decluttering is good. Thankfully, babies are small. But I hear the stuff they need isn't. Uh oh. That's why we're going to try to keep it simple.

It hasn't felt very real, because at only 13 weeks, I haven't grown all that much yet. But one thing that makes it feel very real is all the items we've received from various people. A whole suitcase filled with maternity clothes from my sister-in-law, Julie, and her friend, Katie. A little outfit and frame from our friend, Michelle. A cute teddy bear from Jeff and Emily (you know them, the very smart savers from a previous post). And Carol is already making us a bunch of onesies! We're in for such a rewarding and fun adventure. Hope you're ready for more baby-related posts. I've got baby on the brain and haven't been able to talk about it for three months! Up next, how we told our friends and family...and their reactions.

Summer Wildcats

2009-08-02T09:55:00.012-05:00

I (Anna) love keeping things comfy. High heels? Not so much for me. I'll wear them for presentations, but most of the time I like to rock my flats. In undergrad, I had a pair of extra large men's sweatpants that I wore after making the trek to the opposite side of campus during the cold winter months. They were thick. Too long. Tattered. And you guessed it, comfortable. By the time I started my Ph.D. work in Kentucky, I decided it might be nice to have an additional pair of super thick, too long, but oh-so-comfy sweatpants. Thus, I invested in the pants I lovingly call the "Wildcats."

The pants are infamous. My family in Kentucky expected me to change into them as soon as I got home (that's Jakey and Ty Samson with me above). My friends from school thought it was hilarious when I wore them to their homes for study sessions (or to the library. Yes, I was shameless enough to wear these in public!). My friends even pretended to hate them. But I know better.

The Wildcats got me through the Kentucky ice storm of 2009.
The power went out in my house for a whole week, so I stayed with 3 different friends; the majority of this time was spent at my friend, Rachel's. Thus, the Wildcats are associated with the cold, and sometimes I miss wearing them during the warmer months. Cue Rachel (pictured above acting "disgusted" by the Wildcats), who unexpectedly sent me the cutest pair of "summer" Wildcats! They're cut-off sweatpants.
I'm in love. I've been wearing them ever since I received them. Thanks, Rayray, for thinking of me and sending these all the way to MN. This is What Happy Women Do, which happens to be the title of our forthcoming book! It's about the rituals that sustain sisterhood. The ugly Wildcats instantly remind this group of friends of how close we are and how much fun we have together. Sometimes I miss them so much it makes me ache. Long live the Wildcats. Long live the bonds of sisterhood.

What rituals do you have with your "sisters" or close friends? Tell, tell.

Max

2009-08-01T22:27:00.003-05:00

... is now 2!

Who's Max? Refresh your memory by perusing our blogs from one year ago when Max - a little guy who I (Carol) have been photographing since birth- celebrated 1 year of life.

Again, who's Max? Sorry. I can't tell.

We love Max.

Happy birthday, little dude. Hope you like your photos (and being blogged about by strange authors who like curly hair and big cheeks).

Jill and Kevin

2009-07-31T15:17:00.003-05:00

Wow. They're fun AND generous. Jill and Kevin, the couple who danced down the aisle at their wedding, are announcing their support of the Sheila Wellstone Foundation, which combats domestic violence. Now we really want to be friends with them!

Here's the story: http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/52201597.html